About vegas_jose : I'll write something clever in here later.
vegas_jose's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
You’ve now voted that they totally deserved it more than 100 times.
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
vegas_jose's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML
by Anonymous / 08/20/2014 at 5:03pm / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, I found out my girlfriend has been cheating on me. When I told my sister, she just smiled, held up a closed fist, and said "Look at the number of fucks I give!" She then raised a finger, said "Oops. Finger spasm!" then lowered it again. FML
by meltdowninrels / 08/15/2014 at 6:09pm / New Zealand (Wellington) / Love
Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML
by Anonymous / 08/12/2014 at 4:24pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
Today, I went with my girlfriend to the gym for the first time. I knew I was in bad shape, but I bet her that I could lift more than her. Not only did I get my ass handed to me by a 5', 115lbs girl in front of the entire gym, I also have to attend Zumba in bright pink spandex. FML
by Dancing King / 08/07/2014 at 11:36am / Norway (Rogaland) / Health
by rejected / 07/28/2014 at 6:09pm / United States (California) / Love
by Anonymous / 07/22/2014 at 1:39pm / United States (California) / Kids
by notpayedenoughforthisshit / 07/21/2014 at 5:15pm / United States (North Carolina) / Work
by murrrrf / 07/21/2014 at 1:30am / United States (Missouri) / Animals
by cyzn / 07/14/2014 at 1:59pm / Canada (Quebec) / Health
by justthinkofyourhand / 07/13/2014 at 6:36pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I went on a date and ate in the park. When I crossed my legs under the table, I scraped my knee and got a lot of splinters in it. When I got back home and started digging out the splinters, my dad furiously demanded to know why I'd been on my knees during the date. FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2014 at 9:36pm / United States (Idaho) / Health
Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2014 at 1:52pm / United States (Washington) / Love
by oh my fucking god / 07/10/2014 at 9:34am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Love
by Anonymous / 07/03/2014 at 12:53am / United States (Indiana) / Love
Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML
by Anonymous / 07/02/2014 at 7:20pm / United Kingdom (Harrow) / Health
- 1Today, I found out my parents have been slipping birth control pills into my morning orange juice… 2Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML 3Today, I babysat a kid who was such a bratty little prick that I actually considered walking out on…