About vanessa09865 : I love to cook and I love my dog. I also love anything LOTR related; I would love to learn Elvish but alas I have not found an Elvish dictionary.
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Keen reader – Level: master ninja
You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Keen reader – Level: student ninja
You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
You commented on an FML between 1 and 3 am.
vanessa09865's favorite FMLs
Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML
by fuck kids / 06/06/2013 at 2:24pm / United States (New York) / Health
by The Clitshank Redemption / 06/05/2013 at 7:11pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Love
by future burger flipper / 06/03/2013 at 3:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Money
Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML
by Samprib / 06/01/2013 at 1:09am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2013 at 11:20am / United Kingdom (Northamptonshire) / Love
by scared-straight / 05/27/2013 at 12:05am / United States / Animals
by AwkwardHaole808 / 05/22/2013 at 6:52pm / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous
by HamSandwich12 / 05/08/2013 at 10:17am / United States (Ohio) / Health
Today, through sheer luck, I got talking to an actor from the Harry Potter films who I've had a crush on since I was about ten. I tried to play it cool, and pretend I didn't know who he was. Then my phone rang, with the Harry Potter theme tune. FML
by itsellie27 / 04/30/2013 at 6:23pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous
by dancekat / 04/08/2013 at 5:17am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy
by confused / 04/07/2013 at 10:51am / Australia (Victoria) / Work
Today, I got served paperwork stating that my ex-fiancée is suing me again for child support. About 7 years ago, I proved via DNA testing within the court system that I was not the father the first time. I see a talk show in my future. FML
by haku4u / 04/01/2013 at 7:18pm / United States (Florida) / Money
Today, I came home to find the dog had learned how to open our stair-gate and kitchen door, devoured the entire fruitcake I'd made for a special occasion, and then vomited said fruitcake all over the fabric sofa. FML
by Stoopiddogbot / 02/12/2013 at 8:18am / United Kingdom (Swansea) / Animals
Today, my new room-mate moved in. She spent over an hour obsessively searching the place for god knows what kind of secret recording devices, and now aggressively demands that I taste-test all of her pre-prepared meals to make sure they're not poisoned. FML
by obsequiousfannyflapper / 02/10/2013 at 6:13pm / Netherlands (Zuid-Holland) / Miscellaneous
Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML
by littlemiss / 02/10/2013 at 11:17am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
- Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my… Today, I sent my boyfriend a dirty picture to turn him on. He texted back: "Jfc, why wud u tease me… Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was…