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Today, I got a call from the police that my house had been burglarized, but an off-duty cop caught the criminal. I pull up to see my detained, psycho ex-boyfriend sheepishly grinning at me. He had three of my lace panties and two of my bras, claiming it was "all for memories sake". FML

#21115090
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29217) - you deserved it (2194)

On 04/16/2014 at 11:14pm - love - by exasperated (woman) - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to a restaurant for a friend's birthday. There were two very attractive waiters. They waited until I went to the toilet to sit down, talk to my friends and hit on them. They promptly left upon my return. Men avoid me. FML

#21114882
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27517) - you deserved it (2938)

On 04/16/2014 at 8:00pm - love - by kittykat798 (woman) - United Kingdom (Dundee City)

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

#21114779
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30195) - you deserved it (2449)

On 04/16/2014 at 6:03pm - intimacy - by MILF (woman) - United States (Missouri)

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

#21114169
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29699) - you deserved it (5091)

On 04/15/2014 at 10:48pm - health - by Nose bleed - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I was telling my dad about how annoying it was to constantly have my ten-year-old cousin message me about her new boyfriend, when he suddenly bursts out laughing about how she can get a boyfriend at ten, and I have never even kissed a guy and I'm seventeen. FML

#21114115
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30617) - you deserved it (3630)

On 04/15/2014 at 10:18pm - love - by Foreveralone17362562 - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my professor ran half a mile in the pouring rain just to return my cell phone, which I had left behind in lecture. Shocked and embarrassed, I exclaimed, "You shouldn't have!" "Damn right," he responded, "I'm 64 years old." FML

#21113974
23 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29377) - you deserved it (8259)

On 04/15/2014 at 7:18pm - work - by sad but true. - United States (Connecticut)

Today, I realized that the only female who shows any sexual interest in me at all is my 70-year-old neighbor. FML

#21113897
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30579) - you deserved it (2994)

On 04/15/2014 at 5:55pm - love - by gerontofuck (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, my boyfriend stayed over at my place for the first time. I left him in the bedroom for a couple of minutes while I used the toilet, and when I came back, he was holding my vibrator. He angrily asked me, "What the hell is this? You know this is cheating, right?" FML

#21113687
177 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36542) - you deserved it (5013)

On 04/15/2014 at 12:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I got a Facebook message from a cute guy I used to work with. He admitted to liking me and when I asked why we never hung out he admitted that my dad, his boss at the time, threatened every guy I have ever worked with. FML

#21113585
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37177) - you deserved it (2796)

On 04/15/2014 at 10:01am - love - by cricha4208 - United States (Missouri)

Today, my house was robbed. My two 70-pound German Shepherds obeyed me when I told them to attack. They also obeyed the robber when he said, "Sit". FML

#21113538
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40315) - you deserved it (3511)

On 04/15/2014 at 8:08am - animals - by stupiddog (man) - United States (California)

Today, I handed in the answer sheet an hour into a 3-hour long exam because I couldn't answer most of the questions. Now, everyone thinks I'm genius because I "finished" quickly and they want me to tutor them. FML

#21113382
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30657) - you deserved it (8879)

On 04/15/2014 at 12:35am - work - by idontknowwhatiamdoing (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was looking at the map on my phone whilst walking down a street. I heard the sound of a bike behind me so I moved to let the cyclist past. He snatched the phone out of my hand and sped off. FML

#21113059
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31528) - you deserved it (3861)

On 04/14/2014 at 7:43pm - misc - by stupidcunt (woman) - United Kingdom (Essex)

Today, I decided to go to a therapy group to help with my anxiety and to meet people who felt similar. I joked with my friend that no one would turn up as people might feel anxious about going. I was right. I was the only one there. FML

#21113050
45 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30927) - you deserved it (2664)

On 04/14/2014 at 7:34pm - misc - by all by myself (woman) - Ireland (Cork)

Today, my boyfriend turned down a job that would have more than doubled his income because he didn't want to upset his current boss by quitting. FML

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML

#21112870
134 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38654) - you deserved it (4496)

On 04/14/2014 at 4:12pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)



Bénédicte's illustrated FML

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  • "If drawing stuff is the food of love, then get a better pencil." That's not a real expression, I just made it up because I needed a good opening line. It's not even that good of an opening line, but…

Thursday 10 April 2014

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