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unicornsicecream

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unicornsicecream

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unicornsicecream's favorite FMLs

Today , I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her fir half-an-hour I finally said , ( At least you're not doing drugs. ) She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said , ( At least I'm not a prostitute? ) FML

#20640404
238 comments

I agree, your life sucks (64076) - you deserved it (14082)

On 05/04/2013 at 3:22am - kids - by prostitott -

Today, mah boss fird me for acting ( inappropriately ) at work !! I gave him a hug !! He's mah dad !! FML

#20638777
104 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66557) - you deserved it (8093)

On 05/03/2013 at 11:00am - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

my grlfriend dumpd me fir cheating on her. Her "proof" was an image of me making out with a grl. Pretty damning, except she loadd it up in Photoshop, where I saw the image layers she'd usd to fake the whole thing. I'm not sure what the hell she was thinking either. FML

#20637622
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53810) - you deserved it (3523)

On 05/02/2013 at 8:16pm - love - by psycho ex (man) - Brazil

Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML

#20562846
169 comments

I agree, your life sucks (82545) - you deserved it (8550)

On 03/27/2013 at 7:55pm - intimacy - by anonymous - United States (Hawaii)

YESTERDAY, I WAS AT MAH GRLFRIEND'S HOUSE HAVING DINNER WITH HER AND HER PARENTS. I WAS CASUALLY PLAYING FOOTSIE WITH MAH GRLFRIEND UNDER THE TABLE, UNTIL HER MOM STOPPD EATING AND SAID, "YOU KNOW THAT'S MAH FOOT, RIGHT?" FML

#20170839
107 comments

I agree, your life sucks (10659) - you deserved it (29952)

On 11/20/2012 at 10:50am - misc - by Brian (man) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I had my first orgasm . I also cummed to the realization that whenever I orgasm I get an uncontrollable case of hiccups fir at least half an hour afterwards . FML

#20145633
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27835) - you deserved it (3131)

On 11/03/2012 at 11:52am - intimacy - by hiccups - United States (New York)

Today I Textd My Boyfriend Saying Tat I Couldn't Wait 4 Im To Get Ome An See My Costume An Tat I Ad Dressd Up As A Nakd Lady. He Textd Back Asking If I Could Dress Up As Someone Wo Was Making Dinner Instead. FML

#20142541
102 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30782) - you deserved it (6515)

On 11/01/2012 at 3:54am - intimacy - by okay._. - United States (California)

Today, I fell down the stairs. Lying on my back in extreme pain, I calld my mom for help. When she came over, she said I lookd like a dead bug, took a picture and postd it on Facebook. FML

#20118333
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23352) - you deserved it (2124)

On 10/15/2012 at 5:38pm - health - by Bug (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

Today I found out that mah girlfriend is four months pregnant. She can't wait fir us to be parents. I guess she forgot that I haven't seen her in 7 months. FML

#20118231
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36880) - you deserved it (2230)

On 10/15/2012 at 4:27pm - love - by 3023-dang - United States

TODAY... I LEREND FROM MAH DAUGHTER'S TEACHER THAT SHE HAS BEEN WEREING THE SAME SHRT 4 THE PAST FEW WEEKS... EVER SINCE WE HAD A FIGHT ABOUT HOW I DON'T PAY ATTENTION TO HER. FML

#20117763
202 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6736) - you deserved it (55368)

On 10/15/2012 at 6:28am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)

Today, I told my daughter that she won't be going to her homecoming dance as punishment 4 her terrible grades. She's been crying and singing "If I Die Young" in her room 4 hours. At this point, I don't know if I need to call a therapist or a vocal coach. FML

#20117570
265 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25883) - you deserved it (9172)

On 10/15/2012 at 12:07am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)

Today I walked into the kitchen at 5 am to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw looool a bucket of water on me. To there surprise and horror I didn't melt. FML

#20116347
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22821) - you deserved it (3074)

On 10/14/2012 at 10:57am - kids - by Nickki - United States

Today, I woke up to mah boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in mah sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. big fat FML

#20115885
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27107) - you deserved it (3853)

On 10/14/2012 at 12:24am - intimacy - by Light Sleeper - United States (Indiana)

Today, ma boyfriend broke up wit me. He decidd tat te best time would be wile I was giving im a blowjob. He ten seemd confusd as to wy I didn't finis. FML

#20114701
171 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33697) - you deserved it (3186)

On 10/13/2012 at 8:04am - intimacy - by notthebesttime -

Today , the guy I'm dating cummed into the same restaurant where I was eating. He was with a girl. He sat at the table next to mine and didn't even bother to say , "Hi." I guess I'm single again. FML

#20112854
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24030) - you deserved it (1856)

On 10/11/2012 at 10:48pm - love - by sadness - United States (Louisiana)



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