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ty7in_topic's favorite FMLs
by idiot bro / 07/06/2014 at 2:04pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous
Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML
by icandothecancan / 06/21/2014 at 7:14pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Kids
Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML
by Anonymous / 06/11/2014 at 6:20pm / United States (Missouri) / Intimacy
Today, my friend announced that she'd lost weight recently. As I was congratulating her, my baby sister said, "I think you're still fat but that's good because you can give more meat to God when you go to heaven." Now I have to explain to a 6-year-old that God isn't a cannibal. FML
by Anonymous / 05/26/2014 at 7:37am / United Kingdom (Wolverhampton) / Kids
Today, I had a wonderful dream where I got married to the perfect guy, then had the best sex of my life on a beautiful honeymoon. The only problem is that my "husband" was the snowman from Frozen, and that I got sad when I realized it was just a dream. FML
by Anonymous / 05/16/2014 at 5:07pm / United States / Love
by salmone / 05/15/2014 at 9:03pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
by FLIPmcCOOL / 05/15/2014 at 6:57pm / Ireland (Cork) / Intimacy
by ShutTheFuCupcake / 05/13/2014 at 7:46pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML
by mystery / 12/07/2013 at 4:55pm / United States (North Dakota) / Intimacy
by fuckadaisical / 12/06/2013 at 3:23pm / United Kingdom (Rhondda Cynon Taff) / Intimacy
Today, after getting a root canal, I told my mother how boring it was just sitting there with my mouth open for ages while the dentist did his work. She then told me how she had to do the same kind of thing on her anniversary night with my father. FML
by Anonymous / 11/23/2013 at 4:57pm / Argentina / Health
Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML
by I hate that game / 11/23/2013 at 11:11am / United Kingdom (Wigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, after having my sinuses draining for a couple days, my ma stopped by for a surprise visit. Upon discovering the trash can full of used tissues, she called my pastor grandfather to talk to me about the chronic masturbation problem I don't have, but that everyone now thinks I have. FML
by Thors_Hammer9999 / 11/23/2013 at 1:05am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by this guy / 11/21/2013 at 12:27am / United States (California) / Love
by flavored / 11/18/2013 at 10:26am / United States / Intimacy
- Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear.… Today, I got a new cell phone number and sent a text to my wife. Playing around, I said, "Hey sexy… Today, I needed to pee at my friend's house. His bathroom door is often left closed even if there's…