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twofister

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twofister's favorite FMLs

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

#21007475
81 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48923) - you deserved it (6447)

On 12/27/2013 at 5:39pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML

#20950555
218 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42848) - you deserved it (7986)

On 11/08/2013 at 6:02pm - animals - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Alberta)

Today, I lost my dog and so I put up 'lost' signs. As I was coming back home I noticed one had been written on. It said: "Found your dog. Keeping it". FML

#20556107
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49016) - you deserved it (3134)

On 03/23/2013 at 7:43am - animals - by Hurrikhan - New Zealand (Canterbury)

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

#20541635
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41849) - you deserved it (15705)

On 03/13/2013 at 12:57am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Missouri)

Today, our dog jumped on the bed while my fiancé and I were having sex, and let out the most horrific fart. My fiancé, like a gentleman, held my nose closed while he continued banging me. FML

Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML

#20533607
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55820) - you deserved it (14649)

On 03/06/2013 at 3:20pm - intimacy - by RedWaters - United States

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

#20528184
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38436) - you deserved it (2952)

On 03/02/2013 at 1:59pm - health - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I lost a bet with my friends. I had to go to the super market and buy a copy of 50 Shades of Grey along with a cucumber. The cashier was trying so hard not to laugh while ringing me up. FML

#20516035
152 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39170) - you deserved it (10347)

On 02/21/2013 at 8:43am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Idaho)

Today, I called security at my school because I left my mittens in a classroom and it was locked. When the security officer showed up, he asked if the mittens I was looking for were the ones on my hands. I even had to take one of them off to call them. FML

#20493993
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9053) - you deserved it (47335)

On 02/05/2013 at 12:24am - misc - by swarm20 - United States (Minnesota)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex when the condom broke. He told me to go put a tampon in to "soak up the kids". How did he graduate? FML

#20186465
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42946) - you deserved it (6710)

On 12/01/2012 at 9:54am - intimacy - by me. - United States

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

#20184636
106 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31850) - you deserved it (8983)

On 11/29/2012 at 10:00pm - misc - by lizzard0416 - Canada (Alberta)

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

#20171594
49 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7079) - you deserved it (18771)

On 11/20/2012 at 9:37pm - misc - by Hover Hand (man) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, a homeless man asked me for some money to eat. He ate the five dollars I gave him. FML

#20161582
133 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25512) - you deserved it (3765)

On 11/13/2012 at 6:34am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

#20070030
91 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22710) - you deserved it (2103)

On 09/13/2012 at 8:37am - misc - by Sprtsgeek13 - United States (Maine)

Today, feeling angry at the world, I threw a bottle, that had been clearly marked to be recycled, into a garbage can as an act of defiance. Minutes later, I guiltily retreated and spent the next few minutes with my entire arm stuck up the stinking ass of a city garbage can. FML

#20069676
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (5461) - you deserved it (30958)

On 09/12/2012 at 11:58pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Iowa)



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