Search for a member

Offline (the 12/07/2015 at 1:15am)



  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Not specified
  • Birth Date : Monday 25 November 1991 (24 years old)
  • <3 status : With someone
  • Number of visits : 4040
  • Number of comments : 207
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About twaumat : I am far from perfect, but she loves me anyways

twaumat's page activity

Visits<b>ragnarok1540</b> - the 07/13/2016 at 10:02pm<b>naajster</b> - the 06/04/2016 at 5:34pm<b>freeport_aidan</b> - the 04/18/2016 at 2:52pm<b>arisanator9900</b> - the 03/18/2016 at 9:50pm<b>IAm123</b> - the 03/09/2016 at 1:40am<b>schroederk</b> - the 12/27/2015 at 1:39am<b>uatittielicker</b> - the 12/04/2015 at 5:18am<b>Sansa_Kroma</b> - the 11/18/2015 at 1:27am<b>Sonata90</b> - the 09/27/2015 at 6:27am<b>MiLM</b> - the 09/17/2015 at 3:52am<b>daGun</b> - the 08/15/2015 at 11:48am<b>memed</b> - the 08/06/2015 at 1:16pm<b>tamannab97</b> - the 06/28/2015 at 1:19am<b>futureot1</b> - the 06/21/2015 at 6:49pm<b>elizabeth_black</b> - the 06/04/2015 at 3:21pm<b>sharonguan</b> - the 05/25/2015 at 11:07pm<b>paintedchocolate</b> - the 04/16/2015 at 1:08pm<b>rocker_chick23</b> - the 04/10/2015 at 3:09pm

Fucked!<b>ragnarok1540</b> - the 01/12/2016 at 3:48pm<b>Sonata90</b> - the 09/27/2015 at 12:27pm

twaumat's FML badges

Keen reader – Level: master ninja

You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Keen reader – Level: student ninja

You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.

Seen it!

You’ve watched 5 FML videos on the website, and commented on them.

See all of twaumat's badges

twaumat's favorite FMLs

Today, my girlfriend and I were quite drunk while we were fooling around on the couch, when I decided I wanted to lose my virginity to her. I was two thrusts in when she burst out laughing. Looking down, I realized I was between her cheeks and the couch cushion. I lost my virginity to her couch. FML

by Unknown / 02/07/2014 at 9:18am / United States (Iowa) / Intimacy

Today, I was playing World of Warcraft, when all of a sudden, I remembered I was supposed to be at a wedding. I was 25 minutes late to my own wedding. FML

by Anonymous / 09/14/2013 at 1:23am / United States (Ohio) / Geek

Today, my boyfriend got offered a job at Abercrombie. The first thing he asked was "they only hire hot people, right?!" Now he won't stop telling me how lucky I am to be with such a hot guy. FML

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

by SplishSplash / 08/31/2013 at 9:21pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, was my wedding day. We had a beautiful outdoor wedding and everything was going perfectly as planned. That is, until a bird flew over us and left a present right between my boobs. I had to stand at the altar for 30 minutes as bird poop melted in my cleavage. FML

by NewBride / 08/14/2013 at 1:39pm / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML

Today, after swimming in the pool, I went into the shower. Little did I know that my niece was hiding in there. She excitedly yelled "I saw your boobs!" Now my nephew won't stop crying because he didn't get to see them as well. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2013 at 8:04pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids

Today, out of partying reflex, I downed Communion wine like a vodka shot. FML

by Anonymous / 08/10/2013 at 6:05am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, a guy started taking a leak beside me at the urinal. Evidently he figured he wasn't being enough of a cockbite, because he looked at my junk, laughed, "HAH!" then broke down into hysterics and totally lost control of his stream. I smell like piss. FML

by hardee fucking har yourself, sir / 08/07/2013 at 6:00pm / United Kingdom (Stockport) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was lifeguarding a pool party for a bunch of eight year olds. One of them decided it'd be funny to have a contest to see who could make the most bubbles with their farts. It led to three kids shitting themselves in the pool, and me having the dubious honor of cleaning it up. FML

by benjo / 08/06/2013 at 2:07pm / United States / Kids

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

by kimm1993 / 08/03/2013 at 12:29am / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

by chumpslolo / 07/25/2013 at 6:55am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was going so slow in traffic that my GPS asked me if I wanted to switch to pedestrian mode. FML

by anonymous / 07/24/2013 at 9:31pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation

Today, I got fired from my job as a seafood manager because an entire wedding group came in and started yelling at me, saying the shrimp was horrible and I ruined their wedding. They showed me the leftovers; they never cooked them. They fed raw shrimp at a wedding dinner party. FML

by Gross / 07/21/2013 at 7:20pm / United States (Texas) / Work

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

by imawesomeokay / 07/20/2013 at 1:53am / Mexico (Jalisco) / Transportation