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trinalporpus's favorite FMLs
Today, I was jerking off quietly so my roommates wouldn't hear me. In the middle of it, one of them sent me a screenshot of an error message on a porn site, asking if I was having the same problem. I guess I wasn't being so quiet after all. FML
by Anonymous / 11/24/2015 at 8:17am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend and I were sending dirty messages to each other. We were getting really into it until she replied to one of my messages with, "Oooooh yeah." I read it in the Kool-Aid man's voice and couldn't stop laughing. Mood killed. FML
by Stuby14 / 11/23/2015 at 9:31am / United States (South Dakota) / Intimacy
by GoldenSteve / 11/05/2015 at 10:31am / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
by Idiot says "HIPAA violation" / 06/26/2015 at 9:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML
by Anonymous / 06/17/2015 at 8:14am / Miscellaneous
Today, my District Manager was impressed by all the appointments in my upcoming calendar. Bubbling with pride, I blurted out "Oh, I just love to have all my slots filled!" The awkward silence was only broken by "That's what she said!" from the next cubicle. FML
by officeditz / 06/03/2015 at 9:59pm / United States (Florida) / Work
by explosivepeach / 05/29/2015 at 9:34pm / United States (Maryland) / Work
by nazirah4shizzle / 05/15/2015 at 3:54pm / United States / Intimacy
by ThatSlappinBass / 04/17/2015 at 10:00pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous
by Anon / 04/01/2015 at 2:06am / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was fired from job as a personal trainer. Why? Because I was working out with a friend while off-duty. Apparently, working out with a friend on a day off means I am training them under the table. FML
by anonymous / 03/31/2015 at 12:47pm / United States (Colorado) / Work
by parkoursam / 03/10/2015 at 12:45pm / United States (Illinois) / Health
by Anonymous / 02/14/2015 at 7:34pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids
Today, I asked my friend to download Frozen for me, because my mom wanted to play it for family movie night. The movie was shit, but it got even worse halfway through, when it cut to hardcore porn and a text bar saying "umad?" Now I'm grounded, and my "friend" is a legend for his prank. FML
by Anonymous / 01/30/2015 at 4:15pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I’m in China for work. All my work is stored in my Google Drive, directly via the internet.… Today, after recently moving to Australia, I saw my first kangaroo. In the refrigerated section of… Today, I sprayed pepper spray on a guy who appeared to be following me. He was really cute, and was…