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yesterday my mum staggerd ome, piss drunk. Wen I trid to walk er to er room, se sovd me away and cursd at me fir being a "goody two-soes". Se ten slurrd "I fuckd your mum", and informd me tat my mum is a skank. Tat's good to know, mum.
Taday mah husband was in our newborn's room , holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor , because I overhered him say , "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
Today , my neighbor went on vacation , leaving me in charge of his cat an dog. For some reason , he calls his dog "Cat" an his cat "Dog". There r two pet food containers , one labeled "Cat" an the other labeled "Dog". I have no ideahich one goes tohich animal. real FML
TODAY, I WAS SO OUT OF IT FROM A LACK OF SLEEP AND AN ACCIDENTAL ANTIISTAMINE OVERDOSE, I TRIED TO OFFER MA CAT A CUP OF TEA, AND ACTUALLY GOT PISSED OFF WEN E DIDN'T REPLY. IT TOOK ME A GOOD FIVE MINUTES TO UNDERSTAND WAT JUST APPENED.
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written ( Obama is a beautiful chocolate man ) to every essay question. FML
TODAY , I WOKE UP TO AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT ON MY CAR. IT WAS A NICELY WRAPPD BOX CONTAINING A DEAD BIRD , A HALF EATEN SANDWICH , AN A NOTE READING "MERRY F**KING CHRISTMAS STAN." THIS WILL PROBABLY BE MY ONLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT. MY NAME IS LUKE.
Friday 27 March 2015