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tobert

Offline (the 02/17/2014 at 12:56am) | Search for a member

tobert

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tobert's favorite FMLs

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

#21123743
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (40036) - you deserved it (6721)

On 04/26/2014 at 7:29pm - work - by caught out - United Kingdom (London, City of)

Today, due to my short temper, I punched myself in the nose because I wouldn't stop sneezing. FML

#21116112
160 comments

I agree, your life sucks (21865) - you deserved it (53826)

On 04/18/2014 at 7:09am - health - by Ow (man) - United States (Arizona)

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex and in the heat of the moment I cried out for him to go harder. He had an exasperated expression on his face, and in an adamantly offended tone he said, "Don't tell me what to do." Then he stopped and left the room. FML

#21115855
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56243) - you deserved it (7848)

On 04/17/2014 at 10:27pm - intimacy - by belljars (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

#21114169
77 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39361) - you deserved it (6964)

On 04/15/2014 at 10:48pm - health - by Nose bleed - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, my co-worker started talking in third person. Not only that, but he narrates his daily tasks. "Jeff reached for a stapler", "Jeff stapled a report". I have to sit beside this chimp for 8 hours a day, and nothing I say can end this. FML

Today, my parents and I attended the funeral of my husband's mother. It was open-casket, and my parents went to take a look. My mum muttered, "With a dress that tacky, no wonder she died", and my dad chuckled. A fight quickly erupted, and the police were called. FML

#21099545
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44144) - you deserved it (4829)

On 03/29/2014 at 5:31pm - misc - by disgusted (woman) - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

#21095586
105 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37180) - you deserved it (2848)

On 03/24/2014 at 9:52pm - misc - by Vampprobs - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was walking down the street when a man stole my purse. He then opened the purse, threw up in it, and gave it back. FML

#20852114
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44424) - you deserved it (3164)

On 08/24/2013 at 10:55am - misc - by cassidy_smith12 (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, I was talking to a friend about how many germs live on the average cell phone. My five year old son apparently overheard me talking, and decided to give my cell phone a bath. FML

#19066123
80 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24684) - you deserved it (5773)

On 02/13/2012 at 4:23pm - kids - by Katherine - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, I was having an affair with a girl from my work. She scratched my back while we were doing it and I didn't want my wife to find out so I threw myself down the stairs at work and ended up having to go to the hospital. FML

#10658705
516 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15179) - you deserved it (237711)

On 05/20/2010 at 10:33pm - intimacy - by Chichensoup (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

#7139059
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26208) - you deserved it (6646)

On 01/04/2010 at 1:43am - health - by sadface (woman) - Australia (South Australia)

Today, I learned that if you make fun of a man for walking with a cane, you'd better be ready for him to hit you with it. FML

#5912025
226 comments

I agree, your life sucks (6885) - you deserved it (148638)

On 10/20/2009 at 12:05pm - misc - by stick (man) - United States (Florida)

Today, I realized the person I had been habitually stealing bag lunches from at work made me a canned dog food sandwich. FML

#4976961
420 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17809) - you deserved it (351109)

On 09/01/2009 at 2:05pm - work - by Hairball (man) - United States (South Carolina)

Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML

#4331370
818 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26027) - you deserved it (497871)

On 08/06/2009 at 9:35am - misc - by who_could_it_be - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor... who is a cop. FML

#4330771
190 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20583) - you deserved it (112853)

On 08/06/2009 at 8:27am - misc - by Cowan - Belgium (Oost-Vlaanderen)



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