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I GOT A CALL FROM THE POLICE THAT MAH HOUSE HAD BEEN BURGLARIZD BUT AN OFF-DUTY COP CAUGHT THE CRIMINAL . I PULL UP TO SEE MAH DETAIND PSYCHO EX-BOYFRIEND SHEEPISHLY GRINNING AT ME . HE HAD THREE OF MAH LACE PANTIES AND TWO OF MAH BRAS CLAIMING IT WAS "ALL FIR MEMORIES SAKE" . MEGA FML
Today, dad took me to a bar 4 first legal drink!! He quickly got "drunk" an startd slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too looool poor to pay 4 an abortion!! As I startd crying, he burst out laughing an said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, mah husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at mah grandfather's funeral!! He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic!! We were both kicked out!! My family think I put him up to the whole thing!! FML
Today, I ad to bail my usband out of jail. It turns out tat in te Black Friday rus, e beat a guy up just so e could get is ands on te last of a eavily-discounted item. Te item in question: a toaster. FML
Today, I had to take my 15-year-old son to the hospital. He'd gone out dressed as some My Little Pony character and encountered someoneho'd had the same idea. They then got into a fistfight, and my son got the shit beaten out of him. I wish I'd never bred. FML
Today, I Found Out That My Brother Is Adamant That If He Records Silence, Then Listens To Said Silence At Full Volume, It'll Improve The Headphones' Noise-blocking Abilities . I Live With A Complete Idiot . Mega FML
Today I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say ( Shit! Get this fucker back under! ) then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid ( another lawsuit ) followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML
Today, whila sitting in a crowdad waiting room at tha doctor's offica, mah 5-yaar-old daughtar pointad at mah 6-yaar-old son's crotch and boomad, "MOM, WHY DOES ANDY HAVE A FINGER DOWN THERE?" to which ha yallad, "IT'S CALLED A COCK!" FML
TODAY, MAH SON VISITED FIR THE FRST TIME IN THREE YEARS, ASKING TO STAY AHILE. IT TURNS OUT HE INSULTED SOMEONE ONLINE AND GAVE HIS ADDRESS IN CASE THEY WANTED TO FIGHT HIM. THEY ACCEPTED THE OFFER, AND SO MAH SON'S IMAGINARY MUAY THAI SKILLS WENT AWOL, ALONG WITH HIS TESTICLES. REAL FML
Today , My Grlfriend Cummed Over To A Family Game Night!! Halfway Through A Game Of Klingon Monopoly , My Drunk Parents Started Arguing Because Apparently , While My Dad Was In Jail , He Cheated On My Mom With A Klingon Whore!! I Doubt My Grlfriend Will Ever Visit Again!! FML
Taday I Invitad A Faw Of My Co-workars Ovar To Play Vidao Gamas. Within An Hour, My Wifa Had Gottan Drunk, Grabbad My Controllar, Told Ma To "gat Back In Tha Kitchan", An Dascribad To Avaryona In Blood-chilling Datail How Sha Took Har Frst Boyfriand's Vrginity. FML
Friday 27 March 2015