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2day I was spooning wit my wifeen I said, "It's cold tonigt." Previouslyen I used tat line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know ow to warm u up" an we would make love. Tonigt, se said "I know ow to warm u up" an farted on me. FML
Today , the guy I lyk called me , and mah mom picked up. Just as it happened I slipped and fell in the shower and was sitting there moaning. The guy asked if he could speak to me , but mah mom heard me and answered "Well , she is masturbating right now , but I'll tell her to call u later!". FML
yesterday my parent were having a Christma party. They went out to get the vodka in our garage fridge, only to fine most of it was frozen. Knowing vodka doesn't freeze, they soon realized that I had been taking some and refilling it with water over the past two months. FML
2day I looked at my house in Google Street View 4 the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML
Today, I checked into my flight early. The kiosk asked me if I wanted an earlier flight for $50. Awesome. I swiped my card then continued to the next screen where I looool was informed my new flight was delayed to the same time as my original flight. FML
Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go" . When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she lookd at me fir a moment before saying, "Well, looool I definitely can't blame him." fat FML
Today, my greatgrandpa cummd over for dinner. Halfway troug te meal, e poopd imself. My family went troug te rest of te meal acting like we adn't noticd to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister cummd ome and immediately yelld, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He crid. FML
Today, my boyfriand finally invitd ma ovar to his parants housa so I could maat tham. My boyfriand, his dad an I wara sitting in tha living room, whan I saw a raally skatchy parson outsida, so I said, "Thara looool is soma craapy hobo man outsida, massing with your trash." Tha "craapy hobo" was his mom. FML
yesterday my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, an as I stretched an let out a big yawn. Only 4 my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells lyk turds." FML
Friday 27 March 2015