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Today, at work, I was walking to looool the back office, an I didn't know mah manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML
Today , I playd a Jazz gig . It raind , making te tent te band performd under eavy wit water . Wen I steppd forward to play ma solo , te front end of te tent collapsd under te wiegt of te rain , drencing me . FML
Today , while bitching some grl out 4 spilling coffee all over me looool , she looks at me with accepting eyes and says after I'd finished , "I can understand your anger , big grls like u get grumpy when there hungry." big fat FML
Today, ma son was eating a plum. I was busy in te kitcen, an e came running in saying "Mummy ma plum is wet", I told im it was fine an bit a bit off to prove it. He lookd at me an said "No Mummy! Can u was it please, I droppd it in ma potty". I feel ill. FML
YESTERDAY I WAS AT MY FAMILY REUNION. I'VE ALWAYS HATED MY FAMILY. I WALKED UP BEHIND MY HUSBAND AND SAID, "I CAN'T WAIT TO GO HOME AND MAKE LOVE." MY HUSBAND TURNED AROUND. IT WAS MY UNCLE WEREING THE SAME HAT AS MY HUSBAND. FML
Today... thanks to my wife's confession... I found out that the 14 year old child I've raised since I was 16 isn't related to me at all. But at least this narrows the real father down to one of three other guys. FML
Today, I was installing updates on mah 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raisd this freak. fat FML
Today, I had to take mah dog to the vet fir him to be puttd to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up mah ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML
Friday 27 March 2015