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swordidfate's FML badges
An insomniac or a creature of the dark
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swordidfate's favorite FMLs
Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML
by Thanks everyone / 08/28/2013 at 6:35pm / Australia (Queensland) / Love
by mykhael / 08/21/2013 at 2:58pm / United States (Louisiana) / Animals
Today, a kid in class dropped his paper on the floor. I held on to my desk with one hand and reached for the paper with my other hand. I lost balance and tilted both my chair and desk over, nailing the floor as everything on my desk hit the ground with me. He picked the paper up himself. FML
by nice guys finish last / 08/20/2013 at 12:01am / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
by sirradel / 08/19/2013 at 7:15pm / United States / Love
by AtomicDiamond87 / 08/19/2013 at 3:55pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML
by oops / 08/19/2013 at 12:00pm / United States (Nebraska) / Work
Today, I got fired from my job at an age care facility because I was too nice to my residents. My boss told me "They're deaf, blind and about to jump head first into the grave. We don't pay you to be kind." FML
by sweet23 / 08/18/2013 at 7:43am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
by HoratioNo / 08/14/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML
by Anonymous / 08/14/2013 at 12:26am / United States (Texas) / Kids
by ANON / 08/13/2013 at 7:53pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML
by Anonymous / 08/11/2013 at 2:11pm / Canada (Alberta) / Health
Today, to help with my insomnia, I downloaded some relaxing rain MP3s and set them to loop. For the first time in ages, I fell asleep within minutes. Somewhere around 5, however, the sound of trickling water caused my bladder to empty itself all over my bed. FML
by just about pissed off / 08/11/2013 at 1:24pm / Egypt (Al Qahirah) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend discovered subliminal messaging. She thought that whispering "you want to shave your beard" under her breath while I'm not looking at her, then denying ever saying it, would eventually make me shave my alleged upper-lip hair FML
by -__- / 08/11/2013 at 12:26pm / Greece (Attiki) / Miscellaneous
Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML
by ass slap / 08/11/2013 at 11:35am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, while working out in the gym, I spotted a very attractive girl. I decided to pick up the heaviest dumbbell to show off how much I could curl. She ended up driving me to the hospital because I burst into tears after tearing up my bicep and deltoid. FML
by Anonymous / 08/11/2013 at 12:24am / United States / Health
- Today, I was on webcam with my boyfriend and absent-mindedly began sucking on a marker. He jokingly… Today, I whacked off with a condom on and left it in the living room waste basket so it looked like… Today, I got hypnotized at my school's variety show. Apparently, when asked to do something I enjoy…
- Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because… Today, during a family dinner with my grandparents, I showed them some pictures. One was a picture… Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he…