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Offline (the 09/29/2014 at 3:09pm) | Search for a member
About swaggalikethat : I read these while sitting on the John…you know, just for a laugh. Does that mean other people's pain is my pleasure? I don't talk a lot cuz no one really listens. Message me, I'm bored.
Oh yeah things i liiikke…
All Time Low
A Day to Remember
Panic At The Disco
…me in a nutshell
Editing your comments can help you avoid embarrassment, and it might make you seem smarter.
I’m your new creative director
You had to give your opinion on this new “piece” that the whole world is talking about.
Checking you out
You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.
Today in college we were asked at what age girls tend to become physically attractive . Wrongly thinking the answer was in relation to puberty I said "Umm.. . 11 or 12?" Now everyone thinks I'm some kind of pedophile . FML
TODAY, I CUMMED HOME EARLY TO SURPRISE MAH WIFE. NO, IT'S NOT WHAT YOU'RE THINKING: I DIDN'T FIND HER CHEATING ON ME. SHE WASN'T EVEN HOME, BUT MAH DAD WAS. HE'D USED HIS SPARE KEY AN WAS ON MAH SOFA, DRINKING MAH BEER AN WATCHING MAH TV. THE FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH? ( YOUR BEER'S SHIT. ) FML
yesterday it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus bered" and gone out asking 4 donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ!! I've been trying and failing to get a job 4 2 yeres, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots!! FML
TODAY... I ASKD MY DAD TO GIVE ME A HAIRCUT. AFTER 20 MINUTE OF ( FUCK )S AND ( SHIT )S... HE GAVE UP AND JUST SHAVD MY HEAD BALD. I PULL OFF THE LOOK SO BADLY THAT TWO PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE A PSYCHOPATH. REAL FML
Today , mah sister felt guilty an told me about the changes she secretly made to mah résumé months ago. She'd putted ( doing yur mom ) an ( corporate espionage ) as mah hobbies , an ( Justin Bieber's pussy waxer ) as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML
TODAY I HAD SOME PAINFUL GAS AT WORK SO I TRIED TO SILENTLY EASE IT OUT!! IT WAS SILENT ALL RIGHT; SILENT AN SO DEADLY THAT SOMEONE EXCLAIMED "WHAT THE FUCK?!" MY COWORKER TRACED IT BACK TO ME!! NOW THEY'RE ALL POINTING THERE MINI DESK FANS IN MY DIRECTION TO MAKE A POINT!! REAL FML
Today... my naw doctor gava ma a braast axam and said avarything was haalthy... bafora adding looool "Wall... I think so... anyway. I don't actually work hara." As I fraakad out... ha laughad out loud... said ha was just kidding... and that ha should prascriba ma a chill pill. FML
Today... I excitedly told my family that... after years of studying an dedication... I've been awarded a full scholarship to Germany. My mom's reaction was to start sobbing about me becoming a "heathen" an my dad an brother started telling Nazi jokes. FML
Today, my husband an I attended a funeral. After the service, my phone vibrated. It was a text from my husband, saying "I've got mourning wood like u wouldn't believe! get it? MOURNING. haha :D" I looked up an saw him across the room, winking at me. Not the place, honey. FML
Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my nieghbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML
Today , mah son looool got a beating. Apparently , he went to a club , waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo , then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Thier boyfriends , not too surprisingly , didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML
Today, mah friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under mah pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML
Friday 27 March 2015