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Today, I wrote a text to te guy I've ad a crus on fir two years. I typed "ey" and putted ma pone down, not ready to send it. A little wile later, I eard it buzz. Te reply said "Um... wat?" Apparently ma sister ad added "I'm a sitty prostitute" to ma text and sent it. FML
2day marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learnd to masturbate. He humps hisheel an makes squeaking noises fir five minutes, then rolls over on his side an pants heavily. He does it at least twice a nighthile I'm trying to sleep. FML
I caught a man standing on mah porch... urinating on mah house. I called the cops... who informed me that because mah porch isn't fenced off... it's not trespassing... and because it's private property not visible from the street... the man wasn't urinating in public. FML
Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in mah bedroom . My brother kindly pointed out thathen flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes . Now I can't unsee it .
I saw some servicemen sitting outside a café... and I went over to thank them fir there service. They waited till after I was done shaking there hands before they told me they were just actor on there lunch break. mega FML
TODAY I HAD TO GO TREE SHOPPING WITH MAH DAD AND SOME OF HIS WORK BUDDIES. IT HIT ITS LOWEST POINT WHEN ONE LOUDLY TOLD US ABOUT A CRAP HANDJOB HE GOT RECENTLY. ( I MEAN YEAH CHOKE THE COCK ) HE SAID ( BUT DON'T CHOKE IT TO DEATH NAM'SAYIN'? ) I'D NEVER WANTED TO JUST DROP DEAD MORE. FAT FML
Today, I took ma younger sister to see Santa for a poto. Santa insisted tat I was in te poto too. I wasn't sure y e made looool suc a big deal about it until e groped meile te poto was being taken. FML
Today a kid from mah school callad ma saying ha's going on vacation to Japan soon an that sinca I was born thara I could taach him tha languaga. His axact words at tha start of tha call wara: "Hay man u spaak Asian right?" looool I hava to ba around this shithaad 5 days a waak. fat FML
YASTARDAY , WHILA TAACHING JUNIORS ABOUT BLACK HOLAS , I SAID , "IMAGINA AVARYTHING BAING SUCKAD INTO A BLACK HOLA." AN AFRICAN-AMARICAN STUDANT SHOUTAD , "I'D BATTAR START CLANCHING!" NOBODY TOOK THA LASSON SARIOUSLY AFTAR THAT. FML
Today My Husband Was Getting Undressed!! I Told My 2-year-old Daughter To Go In Our Bedroom Because He Was Undressing In There!! I Turned My Back An She Instantly Ran Off To My Bedroom!! I Heard Her Shout ( I Can See Daddy's Tail! ) Now She Points To Everyone's Crotch An Shouts ( TAIL! ) FML
Friday 27 March 2015