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softpaws's favorite FMLs
by Richmond24 / 07/29/2010 at 3:10pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
Today, I finally felt ready to take my bra off during sex. My breasts had "deflated" somewhat due to weight loss and I was really self-conscious about them, but my boyfriend insisted I was hot no matter what. When the bra came off, the dick got soft. FML
by victoriassecret / 03/03/2010 at 4:24am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML
by kappaomicron / 01/19/2010 at 6:18pm / United Kingdom / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I went to the beach. I though he was being really sweet by putting sunscreen on my back as I layed on my stomach. I got home later, and felt that my back was sore. Then I saw the giant penis on my back that been burnt in. FML
by Brittanyy_leigh / 12/17/2009 at 2:57am / Australia (Queensland) / Work
by teeeessst / 12/13/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Connecticut) / Health
Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
by obsessed / 11/27/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous
by bmonehh / 11/24/2009 at 3:20pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/15/2009 at 6:26pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
by ewewew / 09/24/2009 at 6:10pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
Today, I tried to initiate sex with my boyfriend. As I put on my most seductive moves, he ever so nicely says, "Babe, we just had sex last night. Why don't we wait a while so you've had some time to tighten back up." FML
by LizP40 / 08/27/2009 at 12:46pm / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML
by Ben / 08/21/2009 at 5:28pm / United States / Intimacy
by 16isntsweet / 08/20/2009 at 5:21pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I was driving my little sister to school. She really didn't wanna go and was throwing a tantrum in the car. When we stopped at a red light, my sister notices a police man giving a ticket to another driver. She rolled down her window and screamed "Help me! I'm being kidnapped by a murderer!" FML
by Amara1717 / 08/19/2009 at 12:22am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting a bit steamy. After a few minutes, he jumps up and runs over to the closet and puts on a long brown jacket putting the hood over to his eyes. He looks me in the eyes and says 'I am Obi Wan Kenobi and I'm going to slay you with my light saber'. FML
by dam01 / 08/02/2009 at 3:17am / Australia (Victoria) / Miscellaneous
Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML
by notawizard / 07/16/2009 at 6:16am / Spain (Catalonia) / Kids
- Today, this homeless guy asked me for a monetary donation towards his dinner. I offered to buy him… Today, my fiance and I go out to lunch, and I noticed our server, who is rather very attractive, is… Today my mom screamed at me that I should clean my room. She does this every time, so I cleaned it…