This member hasn't filled in their description.
softpaws's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…
What'cha looking at?
You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile.
softpaws's favorite FMLs
by Anonymous / 08/30/2011 at 7:24am / Australia (Queensland) / Intimacy
Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML
by cjay2200 / 08/28/2011 at 5:25pm / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Kids
Today, I was installing updates on my 16 year old daughter's laptop, when I got the urge to snoop around. I found a 5,000 word sex story involving her and the Edward and Jacob weirdos from the Twilight movies. I can't even look her in the eyes. I can't believe I raised this freak. FML
by f*ckingdisgusted / 08/26/2011 at 9:13pm / United States / Kids
Today, I found out apparently, I have a weird looking vagina. How? My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. He took one look at my vagina and with a look of horror said, "I have never seen one this GROSS." He's a gynecologist and probably sees 20 vaginas a day. FML
by Username / 08/21/2011 at 5:59am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by vsf / 08/01/2011 at 8:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by whyme / 07/13/2011 at 1:40am / United States (California) / Love
Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML
by Anonymous / 06/26/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by beekeke45 / 06/25/2011 at 9:39am / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids
Today, my girlfriend made me watch six hours of "Glee" with her. I don't know what I hate the most, the fact that I actually sat there and watched it or that I'm angry at Finn for breaking up with Rachel. FML
by SkinsCastSelection / 01/17/2011 at 1:24am / France / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 10/04/2010 at 5:42pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy
Today, I passed out at a party after having a few too many, as one does. I woke up with swastikas and penises drawn on my face with permanent marker. I now have to go home, using public transport, to my prudish, Jewish dad who thought I was at my friend's house for a sleepover with no alcohol. FML
by ragass_mctree / 09/29/2010 at 7:02pm / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
by Richmond24 / 07/29/2010 at 3:10pm / Canada (Ontario) / Health
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…
- Today, while in a CROWDED restaurant, my mother asked my grandfather what he was going in to order.… Today, after writing an exam, going to the gym, cramming, and then an eight our shift as a barista,… Today, I was on a bus coming from the Melbourne airport. I went camping the previous week. On the…
- Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because… Today, after spending months comparing the previous weather forecasts to work out the exact date,… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish…