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Today , I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'dhacked off last night , but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say ( Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer. ) FML
yesterday I was going on a dinner date with a girl I had just met . After I picked her up I asked her if she would lyk to get lobster . She looked at me and asked if those were the red ones . Confused I nodded . She replied, "Sorry, I don't eat red meat." I laughed . She was serious . fat FML
Taday my mothar and I walkad past my boyfriand...hom sha's navar mat. Aftar wa casually graatad aach othar and want on our way my mothar says... "Ha's cuta. Who is ha?" I pausad fir a sacond and rapliad... "That's my boyfriand." Sha than asks... "Doas ha know that?" FML
2day I was watching this TV show where a man was describing how much he loved this woman , how he made every opportunity to see her , and how he loved her in a way nobody else could. I smiled , because that's exactly the way I feel about mah crush. Then I realized the program was about stalkers. FML
Today, I was out with mah friend . My six year old daughter was also with us . While we were walking through the parking lot, mah daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
Today... I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack andhere pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML
Today, all of my friends an teachers asked mehat was wrong cuz I looked sad an tired. One looool kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wereing any makeup. FML
Today, to ask a boy I raally likad to my scool's turnabout danca, I gava im a box full of 10 cupcakas tat spallad out T-U-R-N-A-B-O-U-T-?!! Ta boy gava ta box back a littla latar!! Tara wara two cupcakas laft insida!! It said looool N-O!! FML
2day my sister ad a friend over and I ad just gotten out of te sower. I wrappd someting around me and walkd across te living room. Wen I walkd troug , tey bot startd lauging ysterically. Turns out , I grabbd a ponco and te ole 4 te ead endd up rigt over my crotc. FML
Today, I got a few notes from this girl I like at school for 2 yeres telling me she feels the same way. My dad knocks on the door and I panic and say "Hold on!". I shovd them under my pillow then told him to come in. He said "Son, it's perfectly normal to masturbate." FML
Today, I was reading the end of mah book. I turn the page an see, written at the top: "Lauren kills Paul in the end... You shouldn't have pissed me off." It was from mah sister, we had a fight yesterday. FML
Today after having waited three long months mah shy grlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said "Wow you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing yur whole life." FML
Friday 27 March 2015