About slushpup9696 : No need to get mad at me. I'm just a cat sitting on a newspaper.
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slushpup9696's favorite FMLs
Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML
by rtrim29 / 12/26/2009 at 11:18am / United States (Florida) / Health
Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML
by Proof-Reader / 12/15/2009 at 3:32am / United States (California) / Love
by B-Man / 12/11/2009 at 4:55pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/04/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Florida) / Love
Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML
by obsessed / 11/27/2009 at 12:12am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous
by smellsofeggs / 11/26/2009 at 4:13pm / United Kingdom (Brent) / Animals
Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML
by squidwardpotatoes / 11/14/2009 at 6:08am / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, my band played for our school. We were cheered for and everything. Being the lead singer I tried to look cool and push the mic away and pull it back by pushing down the bottom of the stand with my foot. It hit my face and I bled like crazy but I kept singing. No one clapped at the end. FML
by Anonymous / 11/14/2009 at 2:27am / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML
by ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV / 11/07/2009 at 12:01pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
Today, in class, everyone read my Creative Writing submission. It was a touching story about the unconditional love that exists between dog and his owner. Everybody unanimously agreed that it was probably about bestiality. FML
by Quirk / 10/29/2009 at 1:17am / United States (California) / Animals
Today, I was playing FarmTown and got into a fight with a 14 year old boy. I threatened him with physical violence, and he reported me. I'm 23 years old and got banned from a virtual farming game for threatening children. FML
by hatelittleboys / 10/15/2009 at 1:04pm / United States (Colorado) / Kids
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
by Anonymous / 10/14/2009 at 1:01pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
by oxjessiiox / 10/11/2009 at 11:42am / United Kingdom (Leicestershire) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML
by whitedevil / 10/09/2009 at 3:09am / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, it was my friend's paintball party and we were doing it in a forest nearby. When I arrived at his house, his parents said they already started, so I geared up and went out there to find that there was a note on a tree. It said 'Sorry', and then twenty people jumped from bushes and ambushed me. FML
by shitballs_911 / 10/07/2009 at 7:13am / United Kingdom (Kingston upon Thames) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I sprayed pepper spray on a guy who appeared to be following me. He was really cute, and was… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, I’m teaching French in a university in India. One of the students asked me if Paris was the…