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sleepy_jaz

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sleepy_jaz

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  • Number of visits : 1700
  • Number of comments : 5
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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sleepy_jaz's FML badges

Inception

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This isn't what should be happening

You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.

Perfectionist

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sleepy_jaz's favorite FMLs

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

#21449022
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (13538) - you deserved it (6549)

On 07/29/2015 at 10:41am - misc - by fack (man) - United States (California)

Today, I pulled several socks from under my son's bed. I spent far too long trying to figure out why they were so stiff before I finally realized. FML

#21446754
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26798) - you deserved it (4538)

On 07/24/2015 at 10:04pm - kids - by Sad Mom - United States (Texas)

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

#21446728
76 comments

I agree, your life sucks (12125) - you deserved it (22622)

On 07/24/2015 at 8:59pm - work - by suspended (man) - United States (Colorado)

Today, I saw my friend at the mall. He didn't see me, so I called him to say "Turn around." He took one look at his phone, snorted loudly enough for me to hear from way off, and put it back in his pocket. FML

#21442628
61 comments

I agree, your life sucks (24131) - you deserved it (2048)

On 07/16/2015 at 3:16pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States

Today, my grandpa accidentally posted a nude photo of himself on Facebook. I will never be able to unsee that. FML

#21440426
87 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27268) - you deserved it (1986)

On 07/12/2015 at 10:21am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I had 3 teeth pulled. Due to the anaesthesia, my mom came along to drive me home. Halfway through my surgery, she decided to leave and go shopping with her friend. She even left a note with the receptionist, saying that I needed to take on my own adult responsibilities. FML

#21439124
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27054) - you deserved it (1517)

On 07/09/2015 at 5:12pm - health - by gerbilmaster (man) - United States (Washington)

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. All the magic vanished when I kept queefing every time he thrust into me. We made it about 10 seconds before he broke down into hysterical laughter and lost his boner. FML

#21436148
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27928) - you deserved it (3713)

On 07/04/2015 at 1:02am - intimacy - by alison (woman) - United States

Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML

#21435950
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (26436) - you deserved it (3245)

On 07/03/2015 at 4:51pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

#21435168
64 comments

I agree, your life sucks (25743) - you deserved it (1456)

On 07/02/2015 at 12:16am - work - by thatshelpful - United States (Iowa)

Today, my dad texted me, saying "My dicks so hard 4 u". I'm desperately hoping he meant to send that to his girlfriend instead. FML

#21434895
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29390) - you deserved it (1785)

On 07/01/2015 at 2:56pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) -

Today, my brother tried cremating our deceased cat. In the oven. My nose has killed itself. FML

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

#21428553
245 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29789) - you deserved it (12282)

On 06/19/2015 at 12:17pm - intimacy - by shmarf (man) - United States (Missouri)

Today, a woman bitched me out at the grocery store, saying that since I'm not Indian, I shouldn't be wearing a bindi - a red dot on my forehead - because it's "cultural appropriation". I was too embarrassed to tell her it was actually a pimple I'd been trying to pop on my forehead. FML

#21428154
131 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29760) - you deserved it (2626)

On 06/18/2015 at 4:09pm - misc - by unsuccessful popping - United States (New York)

Today, my neighbor's son siphoned the fuel out of my lawn mower and put it in his car. What he didn't realize is that the fuel mixture I use in my lawn mower would ruin his car engine. His dad says it's my fault and actually insists I should pay his pissant son's repair bill. FML

#21425373
132 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33671) - you deserved it (1696)

On 06/13/2015 at 8:42am - money - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maryland)

Today, I arrived at the salon to get my hair done for prom. The lady at the front desk insisted I didn't have an appointment. After looking back on my recent calls, it turned out I called the wrong number and whatever asshole was on the other line played along. FML

#21424643
51 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28077) - you deserved it (3787)

On 06/11/2015 at 7:14pm - misc - by Badhairday - Canada (Ontario)



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