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simplysandy's FML badges
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simplysandy's favorite FMLs
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
by Anonymous / 03/06/2011 at 1:15pm / Sweden (Vastra Gotaland) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barge in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML
by killmenow / 02/20/2011 at 8:19pm / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML
by Michelle / 02/20/2011 at 12:45pm / United States (California) / Animals
by huwauw / 09/17/2010 at 4:33pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML
by Blueberrypicc / 08/12/2010 at 9:01pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML
by oumalina / 08/11/2010 at 9:54pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML
by L.Lime05 / 08/08/2010 at 7:27pm / United States (California) / Animals
Today, my mom came into my bedroom and told me to listen to this voicemail. I listened to me and my girlfriend talking dirty followed by the bed springs bouncing for 3 minutes. I had my phone in the pocket while I was having sex with her and it left my mom a nice voicemail. FML
by JDLAX1924 / 08/05/2010 at 7:24pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML
by fatty / 08/03/2010 at 6:37pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML
by animelover / 07/25/2010 at 7:21pm / Canada (Quebec) / Kids
Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML
by spriggs / 07/25/2010 at 5:06am / United States (California) / Health
by tstaeger / 07/24/2010 at 1:20am / United States (Oregon) / Health
Today, while taking pictures by the pool, my friend wanted to use my camera. I told her to put the wrist strap on so it wouldn't fall into the pool. She dropped the camera while trying to put the strap on. FML
by Me. / 07/23/2010 at 1:58am / United States (Texas) / Geek
by Wawawiwa / 07/21/2010 at 7:44pm / Namibia (Windhoek) / Intimacy
by Goody2shoes / 07/21/2010 at 12:08pm / India (Maharashtra) / Health