About shutupmichaela : sadly, no, I am not Hayley Williams from Paramore.
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shutupmichaela's favorite FMLs
Today, my fiancée of 2 years and mother of my son, who is also pregnant with our second son, commented on how lucky two friends getting married were to have found each other. I said that we're just as lucky. She responded, "No. They actually love each other." FML
by failure / 10/27/2013 at 8:41pm / United States (Louisiana) / Love
by Anonymous / 10/24/2013 at 3:16pm / United States (New Mexico) / Health
Today, I heard crashing noises coming from my dining room. I got up to see what it was; my asshat cat was flinging himself at my chandelier. He'd figured out how to grab the ceiling fan from the other room, build momentum, and launch into my expensive chandelier. Hooray. FML
by IamAflyingCat / 10/22/2013 at 5:12am / United States / Animals
Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML
by Anonymous / 10/18/2013 at 1:30pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by lovehurts / 10/14/2013 at 12:02pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Love
Today, I figured out my 1-year-old daughter likes to dip her hand in our dogs' water bowl, and rub the water on her face. So I put the water bowl out of reach. She then figured out how to open the bathroom door and use the toilet instead. FML
by Water Daughter / 10/13/2013 at 1:51am / United States / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/08/2013 at 5:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids
by AnAwesomePerson7 / 09/25/2013 at 6:30pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to be friendly and say hi to the weird kid at school, who was sitting by himself eating lunch. After I said hello, he stared up at me intensely and said, "I don't have many friends. Yeah. Mainly 'cause I've eaten most of them." FML
by scared shitless in ohio / 09/25/2013 at 4:02pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
by Grand Slam / 09/10/2013 at 2:44pm / Belgium (Vlaams-Brabant) / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML
by Anonymous / 09/03/2013 at 12:13am / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids
by Parental Support / 08/30/2013 at 12:11am / United States (Maryland) / Work
by really? / 08/13/2013 at 2:58am / United States / Love
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
by JAY22 / 03/26/2009 at 7:41am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML
by offbeans / 02/16/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (California) / Kids
- Today, I’m a French teacher abroad, and as my beard has a huge hole near my chin, my students call… Today, I’m on vacation in Tunisia. Having trouble with the heat at night, I tried sleeping outside… Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that…