Submit your FML story
- - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
Offline (5 hours ago) | Search for a member
About saruhhh : i'm sarah. i live in michigan.
Keen reader – Level: master ninja
You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Keen reader – Level: student ninja
You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Who’s the fairest of them all?
This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML
Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML
Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML
Today, my football club gave us all jerseys with our last names on them. My last name is 'Flicker'. The letters are all in uppercase. And the 'L' and the 'I' are joined together at the bottom. My jersey reads 'FUCKER'. FML
Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML
Today, I took a call. Wrong number. A few seconds later, they called back and I told her that she had the wrong number. She said she just hit redial and didn't understand how she got me again. I tried to explain how redial works. She called me a moron and hung up. Then my phone rang again. FML
Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML
Today, a friend and I went to Gamestop to pick up a game he wanted. I ended up buying a 17+ game, and I was prepared to show my license, but he stopped me an said, "I know you're 18". He then said, "Man, I've pretty much watched you grow up in this store." A game salesman watched me grow up. FML
Today, I walked into Best Buy to buy a 42" widescreen TV I'd been saving up for many months. As I walked in, a man stopped me and handed me my wallet that I'd accidentally dropped. I thanked him. 5 minutes later at the checkout, I opened up my wallet to realize it was empty. He had stolen everything. FML
Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML
Monday 1 September 2014