i like to party.
Today, I was driving in my car with my daughter, who was eating a nutri-grain bar. After a while she holds out her hand saying, "It's on my finger! I don't wanna eat it!" I pick up the little piece of nutri-grain filling and put it in my mouth, only to realize it was a large booger. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30567) - you totally deserved it (16063)
On 05/23/2009 at 2:10pm - kids - by nutrigrain123 (man) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death" (my dildo). FML
I agree, your life sucks (53136) - you totally deserved it (24591)
On 05/21/2009 at 3:18pm - kids - by a (woman) - United Kingdom (Hertford)
Today, we were visiting my great-grandma, who has Alzheimer’s. We spent most of the day with her and she didn't know who we all were. Time came for us to leave so when I gave her a hug good-bye, she whispered into my ear, "You're my type." FML
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On 05/18/2009 at 11:29pm - love - by KarlwithaK (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and proceeded to say (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML
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On 05/18/2009 at 8:40am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United Kingdom (Belfast)
Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone "Honey, we're not poor." She then proceeded to ask, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML
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On 05/16/2009 at 10:21pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, while biking I got into a major crash with two cars. The cars were parked. FML
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On 05/16/2009 at 2:44pm - misc - by Pokerking98 - United States (Texas)
Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML
I agree, your life sucks (30546) - you totally deserved it (12572)
On 05/13/2009 at 4:15pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking: "What can I get for you cuntie?" FML
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On 05/08/2009 at 4:53pm - work - by keeks_25 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, cops showed up at my apartment demanding to look inside. Satisfied with the search, they told me they had received a noise complaint. More specifically, hearing screams someone believed a girl was getting raped. I had two friends over and we had been wrestling. The three of us are male. FML
I agree, your life sucks (56547) - you totally deserved it (18103)
On 04/14/2009 at 10:05am - intimacy - by Obee (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was working as a swim instructor for kids. Teaching them not to be afraid of the water, I put my face in the water and blew bubbles. I asked them to try it. All of them did, except for one. I went right to him and blew bubbles again. He then said to me, "but I just peed in that water." FML
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On 04/14/2009 at 4:51am - kids - by poolboy (man) - United States (Nevada)
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. TWICE. FML
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On 04/07/2009 at 8:11pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Virginia)
Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to fuck myself as well. FML
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On 03/30/2009 at 1:06am - kids - by Wmsys32pr9 (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (56756) - you totally deserved it (10516)
On 03/15/2009 at 10:18pm - kids - by hala (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I was teaching a swimming lesson to 6-7 year old boys and girls. I recently broke up with my boyfriend so I haven't been taking care of my bikini line. While I was demonstrating how to do a whip-kick out of the water one of the boys said, "You have a beard coming out of your bathing suit!" FML
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On 03/14/2009 at 10:27pm - kids - by superfkd (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
I agree, your life sucks (220298) - you totally deserved it (244047)
On 03/09/2009 at 6:58pm - intimacy - by RC3Welly (man) - United States (Florida)
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