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rickster1000

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rickster1000

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rickster1000's favorite FMLs

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

#18239656
302 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15112) - you deserved it (52696)

On 11/13/2011 at 5:46pm - misc - by shootme - Canada

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

#18202922
150 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29887) - you deserved it (22224)

On 11/09/2011 at 4:52pm - kids - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I have to choose between being unemployed or putting up with my perverted boss who desperately wants me. I'm a guy and so is he. FML

#18201321
206 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38515) - you deserved it (3134)

On 11/09/2011 at 12:20pm - work - by Anonymous - Romania (Mures)

Today, I was driving home from work with the window down. I felt what I thought was rain coming through the window, until I looked over and realized it was urine mist coming from the cattle truck next to me. FML

#18195085
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30975) - you deserved it (3033)

On 11/08/2011 at 6:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to endure yet another evening of the old man in the apartment above me screaming, "No, I don't want to shave my nose hair, you crazy bitch." He lives alone. FML

#18178318
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27963) - you deserved it (1992)

On 11/06/2011 at 8:23pm - misc - by hurtsmyears (man) - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, I spent over 20 minutes trying to convince my daughter that the word she was trying to use was "Back-pack" and not "Back-back". I never convinced her. She is 16 years old. FML

Today, while I was shopping, I saw my old friend from high school. After a bit of talking, I ended up giving her my phone number. I wrote it on an old receipt. Little did I remember, the receipt was from when I bought lube and condoms. FML

#18146927
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15373) - you deserved it (35255)

On 11/03/2011 at 12:13pm - intimacy - by snownerd - United States (Ohio)

Today, I ran into my boyfriend's dad. His exact words were, "Call me when you're ready to feel what a real man can do to you." FML

#18145171
318 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62554) - you deserved it (4628)

On 11/03/2011 at 3:29am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I came home from school, only to find I was locked out. The cars were all there, but no one was in. It wasn't until I heard continuous banging from my parents' window that it clicked. They locked me out for over an hour in freezing weather just to have sex. FML

#18138083
159 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38035) - you deserved it (4159)

On 11/02/2011 at 12:37pm - intimacy - by miley098 - United Kingdom (London)

Today, I went grocery shopping. Being a bartender, I had a huge wad of dollar bills from cash tips. As I was counting them at the register, I looked at the cashier and joked, "You probably think I'm a stripper or something." He looked me up and down and said, "Uh... hell no." FML

#18129165
196 comments

I agree, your life sucks (23573) - you deserved it (21593)

On 11/01/2011 at 1:52pm - misc - by bakedplum (woman) - United States (Ohio)

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

#18127169
176 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32698) - you deserved it (6518)

On 11/01/2011 at 5:03am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my first Halloween in America since moving from Russia. While handing candy to children, my roommate told me to compliment a little girl by saying "You have a face only a parent could love". I found out it isn't a compliment when I was punched by her Dad. FML

#18123413
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37144) - you deserved it (5139)

On 10/31/2011 at 8:18pm - kids - by VladyBoi (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, I was almost out of conditioner, despite having just bought some. Apparently, my boyfriend has been using it to condition his pubes. He thinks doing this will make me want to give him more blowjobs. FML

#18123104
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29255) - you deserved it (4889)

On 10/31/2011 at 7:29pm - intimacy - by silkysmooth (woman) - United States (Washington)

Today, my boyfriend admitted that the only reason he remembers my eye color is because it's the same shade of his shit after he's had a salad. FML

#18121591
184 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32757) - you deserved it (3233)

On 10/31/2011 at 4:06pm - love - by poopcoloredeyes (woman) - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

#18117360
296 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45412) - you deserved it (8917)

On 10/31/2011 at 12:04am - intimacy - by Andrew - United States (Pennsylvania)



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