About redrumbear : Read everything I say in the voice of Stewie, and you shall be forever entertained.
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redrumbear's favorite FMLs
Today, I was walking through town when a rough looking woman asked me for a cigarette. I don't smoke but I offered her some apples, and she took two. As I continued on past her, she pegged both of them at me, hitting the back of my head. FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2011 at 4:28am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she takes the shower head and starts spraying my penis with it. I asked her "what are you doing?" Her response: "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML
by Anonymous / 05/29/2011 at 10:04am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was singing while unloading my dishwasher. I heard a knock on the door and went to answer it only to find the police telling me they received noise complaints from my neighbors. I live next-door to my parents. FML
by CAchickadee / 05/29/2011 at 12:27am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by shouldhavecheckedthelock / 05/28/2011 at 9:56pm / United States (Maryland) / Geek
Today, it's memorial day weekend. The cops are all over the place watching for speeders and drunks. Some complete dickhead decided to spray paint "cop killa" on the side of my car. It won't come off. FML
by mperh / 05/28/2011 at 8:46am / United States / Transportation
by redhanded / 05/28/2011 at 5:24am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
by greenhide8 / 05/28/2011 at 1:27am / United States (North Dakota) / Money
Today, I was really psyched to go see Kung Fu Panda 2 at the movies. Excited, I tried to do a flying kick off the cafeteria wall at work. Instead of kicking off, my leg crashed through the plasterboard and got stuck. My co-workers had to pull me free. FML
by Anonymous / 05/27/2011 at 8:56pm / United States (Colorado) / Health
Today, I drove my boyfriend to hospital because he felt extremely ill. His buddies had gotten their hands on a taser, and he had the brilliant idea of being shot as part of a Youtube stunt video. Now I have an empty gas tank and have to clean up a puddle of vomit in my living room. FML
by moron / 05/27/2011 at 8:04pm / United States / Health
Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML
Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML
Today, for the first time I sat next to a hot babe. I was feeling nervous, nevertheless, I managed to shyly ask her phone number. It’s only when I arrived back home that I realized there was a digit missing. FML
- Today, I found my daughters hiding spot. Yeah there was dolls, matchbox cars and coloring markers.… Today, I had to work a double shift as a server with a multi-fractured foot because my boss decided… Today, my best friend of 12 years told me she couldn't attend my wedding. What was so important to…