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redXtilXurXdead

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redXtilXurXdead
  • Town/Country : United States
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 59
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 6 posted

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redXtilXurXdead's favorite FMLs

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

#21102946
114 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44251) - you deserved it (5083)

On 04/02/2014 at 4:10pm - kids - by I Have Failed (man) - Spain (Madrid)

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML

#21069326
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44607) - you deserved it (5139)

On 02/23/2014 at 12:29pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

#21067583
68 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39952) - you deserved it (3898)

On 02/21/2014 at 12:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz)

Today, I had satanic gastric distress. Attempting to make light of this fact, and, being incredibly bored and seemingly alone at work, I managed to fart the intro to "Smoke on the Water" perfectly. Somebody clapped. FML

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

#21059471
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44175) - you deserved it (5976)

On 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm - health - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. My hand-eye coordination went straight to hell and I managed to accidentally smack my nose into his penis. He told all his friends about it, and I'm apparently now known as Woodpecker. FML

#21054451
98 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42548) - you deserved it (7551)

On 02/08/2014 at 1:49pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, my husband decided to put different condiments on my body to make our sex better. I was thinking whipped cream; he was feeling ketchup. FML

#21039277
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45918) - you deserved it (4579)

On 01/25/2014 at 7:28am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, my 7-year-old daughter made a new game: hitting me in the groin when I'm not expecting it. She hunts me in the house, hides around corners, and behind furniture to ambush me. She'll even do it if she catches me napping. I'm a grown man living in fear of a little girl. FML

#21029770
335 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48877) - you deserved it (10474)

On 01/16/2014 at 12:57pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

#21024175
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43098) - you deserved it (4818)

On 01/11/2014 at 12:55am - love - by rollergirl13 - United States (Alaska)

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

#21008001
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41440) - you deserved it (4618)

On 12/28/2013 at 3:23am - animals - by honeybunny90 - United States (Texas)

Today, I went to get a shower. When I turned it on, no water came out. Only ants. FML

#21006941
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51993) - you deserved it (3068)

On 12/27/2013 at 2:28am - misc - by anon - Canada (New Brunswick)

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

#20985559
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43740) - you deserved it (3365)

On 12/08/2013 at 9:21pm - intimacy - by mistletoe (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44631) - you deserved it (4864)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, while having sex with my husband, we had to move around our cat during position changes. Our cat controls our sex life. FML

#20978895
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38475) - you deserved it (14597)

On 12/02/2013 at 11:26pm - intimacy - by anon (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, my bandmate and I decided to propose to our girlfriends, who are also in the band, at the same time in the middle of a concert. His girlfriend said yes. Mine ran off the stage crying. FML

#20978799
111 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46585) - you deserved it (4990)

On 12/02/2013 at 10:42pm - love - by rock'n roller (man) -



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