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purpleismyfav's favorite FMLs
by HoratioNo / 08/14/2013 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML
by catdog / 01/02/2013 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Animals
by Kate / 12/23/2012 at 3:24am / United States (Missouri) / Animals
Today, my co-worker had a bad cold that stuffed up his ears and nose. This wouldn't have been a problem, except that he believed his farts were silent and scentless. They were so vile, they could have killed a horse. FML
by Iknoweverything / 12/22/2012 at 3:06am / United States (Minnesota) / Work
Today, after sharing my first night in bed with my boyfriend, I woke up early, and decided to rouse him with some surprise oral. It didn't go so well; he woke up screaming and gasped, "OH MY GOD! I thought you were my cat!" before telling me to continue. FML
by anonymaiacciu / 12/21/2012 at 8:16pm / France / Intimacy
by spellbound / 12/19/2012 at 9:59am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids
Today, I noticed one of my neighbors has decided to place an old toilet in the middle of their front lawn. Another one has had a kitchen sink in their driveway for a year, and yet another has a sofa in their grass. These are the people who taunt me for just walking my cat outside on a leash. FML
by SApprentice / 12/19/2012 at 12:02am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, after my girlfriend has recently become obsessed with the serial-killer show, Dexter, she has grown an interest in cutting up pomegranates in many different ways and squirting the red, blood-like juice everywhere. I am now afraid to argue with her. FML
by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 7:33am / Australia (New South Wales) / Love
Today, I went Christmas shopping for my cat. I still haven't bought presents for my family, yet my cat already has several small gifts under the tree and an outfit to wear around the house. I really need a new hobby. FML
by catlover / 12/13/2012 at 6:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals
by Teddy / 11/26/2012 at 3:54pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
by nickw177 / 10/21/2012 at 9:21pm / United States / Love
by Anonymous / 10/15/2012 at 9:19pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, after months of believing my house is haunted, and years of being scared of the dark, I finally had to admit to myself that the only way I can go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is if my cat follows me and sits outside the door. I'm 23. FML
by Anonymous / 09/22/2012 at 8:37pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML
by PissOffPottermore / 09/13/2012 at 10:31am / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, my boyfriend told me he was a vampire. I burst out in laughter and said he was ridiculous. He looked at me in disgust and said he couldn't be with someone who didn't trust and believe in him. I'm now single. FML
by shastadoe / 08/06/2012 at 2:37am / United States (California) / Love
- Today, the girl I have been dating for the past five years asked me to move to California with her… Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings… Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double…