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pborshay's favorite FMLs
Today, I showed my daughter video footage from a security camera that showed her using her employee key to enter the store I own, disarming the alarm, and stealing several very valuable items. Her defense? That someone had "photoshopped" the video. We'll see how that goes down in court. FML
by Anonymous / 09/04/2015 at 1:01pm / United States (California) / Money
Today, my husband and I had some bath time to ourselves. After having sex, he decided to put bath salts in my vagina to spice things up for the next round. It's been twenty minutes out of the bath and it still feels like there are pop rocks in my vagina. FML
by Anonymous / 03/31/2014 at 10:08pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML
by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 8:31pm / United States / Love
by Anonymous / 02/13/2014 at 10:47am / United States (Missouri) / Kids
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
by not even getting any of her shrimp / 02/11/2014 at 4:50pm / United States (Utah) / Love
by Anonymous / 12/17/2013 at 4:57pm / Egypt / Kids
Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML
by hipster glasses / 08/16/2013 at 7:08am / United States / Work
by father of the year / 08/01/2013 at 2:21am / United States / Kids
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 10:24am / United States / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 07/05/2013 at 10:26am / United States (Illinois) / Intimacy
by young grandpa / 06/17/2013 at 6:49pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids
Today, I learned my husband has what he calls "grumpy wife sex" specifically to cheer me up. I don't know if I'm more annoyed that he casually mentioned it after we've been together for 10 years, or that it actually works. FML
by MommaAnnie / 05/02/2013 at 11:59am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy
by How strange / 04/20/2013 at 8:02am / United States / Love
Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML
by Anonymous / 12/23/2012 at 12:52pm / United States (Maryland) / Money
by fiftyno / 10/01/2012 at 11:02am / United States (Washington) / Love
- Today, it's only my second week of work at my new job as a housekeeper for an assisted living home.… Today, I went on what I thought was a third date. After I paid the $100 bill at the restaurant, she… Today, I found out my uncle will die within a few days. Last weekend, someone I know was told she…