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optimuspimp

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optimuspimp

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  • Number of visits : 95
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

About optimuspimp : Wathuhwait.tumblr.com

optimuspimp's page activity

Visits<b>DJisHere11</b> - the 11/12/2013 at 12:42pm

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optimuspimp's favorite FMLs

Today, I was having some kinky sex with my girlfriend. When I said "You've been a bad girl", she looked at me wide-eyed and asked very seriously, "What did I do?" FML

#21068134
85 comments

I agree, your life sucks (50445) - you deserved it (9264)

On 02/22/2014 at 12:39am - intimacy - by awkward (man) - United States

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

#20942769
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57512) - you deserved it (6011)

On 11/02/2013 at 5:10pm - kids - by unknown (man) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, a shopper asked me where my nipples were. Seeing as I work in Babies'R'Us, this is a common question. I brought her over to the nursing equipment aisle where she then grabbed my nipples, gave them a twist, and walked away. I need a new job. FML

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

#20862305
118 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56153) - you deserved it (5986)

On 08/31/2013 at 9:21pm - intimacy - by SplishSplash (woman) - United States

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

#20854260
252 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45513) - you deserved it (2961)

On 08/25/2013 at 9:28pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Georgia)

Today, I confessed to my boyfriend that I was in love with his best friend. He confessed that he was too. FML

#20848315
108 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43719) - you deserved it (21537)

On 08/21/2013 at 7:45pm - love - by me (woman) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, I had a group presentation. I kept zipping my jacket up and down nervously. As I waited for my turn, I realized a bunch of classmates staring at me. I forgot that in the morning rush, I only put on a jacket. I only had a bra on underneath. FML

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

#20843350
86 comments

I agree, your life sucks (38213) - you deserved it (15042)

On 08/18/2013 at 4:13pm - health - by Anonymous (man) - Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz)

Today, my 12-year-old son was shot in the foot. After hours of not talking, including to the police, he finally told us that his friend accidentally shot him with his dad's gun, and that he didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to "lose any street cred by snitching." FML

#20836449
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (49778) - you deserved it (6109)

On 08/14/2013 at 12:26am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, while cleaning my ears with Q-tips, I came in my pants. FML

#20835942
146 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47994) - you deserved it (17140)

On 08/13/2013 at 7:53pm - intimacy - by ANON (man) - United States (California)

Today, my superior gave me a box of ethernet cables which were previously attached to mainframes storing classified data. He requested I cut them in half so that the residual data would leak out. Not only does this guy make twice my salary, there was no convincing him otherwise. We cut them up. FML

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

#20834558
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46134) - you deserved it (2463)

On 08/12/2013 at 10:54pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Colorado)

Today, I forgot my key inside my apartment. My boyfriend suggested we ask a neighbor to open it. I explained we don't all have the same key, to which he responded, "Well how come they all have the same doorknobs?" FML

#20834278
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41989) - you deserved it (4699)

On 08/12/2013 at 7:58pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

#20833982
67 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44756) - you deserved it (3995)

On 08/12/2013 at 4:04pm - misc - by idonteven - United States (California)

Today, my house was broken into. After we called the police, my dad started calling himself Sherlock Holmes and talking in a British accent. He insists on calling me Watson. He is going around the neighborhood acting like Sherlock, investigating stuff. He won't stop. FML



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