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oathkeeper99's favorite FMLs
Today, an extremely large lady came into the dry cleaners where I work. She puts what I assume is a blanket on the counter to be dry cleaned. I said, "So just the one blanket then?" She replied, "Those are my pants, not a blanket." She was a size 56. FML
by Kasizzle / 02/26/2009 at 9:13am / United States (Colorado) / Work
Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML
by LilShawty2000 / 02/24/2009 at 12:30am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
by Kristina / 02/18/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (New York) / Health
Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML
by Italian_Stallion / 02/16/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML
by cjk004 / 02/15/2009 at 6:35am / United States (California) / Love
by lil_munchkinjen / 02/08/2009 at 7:01pm / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Miscellaneous
by bittersweet / 02/07/2009 at 10:08pm / United States (New York) / Love
by Noname / 02/05/2009 at 6:15pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML
by Tori / 02/05/2009 at 10:24am / United States (New York) / Health
by Noname / 02/04/2009 at 6:23am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
by Ah hell / 01/31/2009 at 9:43am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML
by razzmataz / 01/28/2009 at 8:38am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by duh / 01/27/2009 at 3:10am / United States (South Carolina) / Work
by TheEnglishOne / 01/22/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by carrie / 01/13/2009 at 1:41am / Algeria / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I moved three hours away from my boyfriend for college. Even though he got accepted to the…