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oathkeeper99's favorite FMLs
Today, an extremely large lady came into the dry cleaners where I work. She puts what I assume is a blanket on the counter to be dry cleaned. I said, "So just the one blanket then?" She replied, "Those are my pants, not a blanket." She was a size 56. FML
by Kasizzle / 02/26/2009 at 9:13am / United States (Colorado) / Work
Today, I went to chill with my best guy friend and his girlfriend, whom I recently met after I moved to the area. After a few beers, my buddy leaned over and tried to make out with me. I quickly backed up and shockingly looked over at his girlfriend to expect the same reaction. She winked. FML
by LilShawty2000 / 02/24/2009 at 12:30am / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy
by Kristina / 02/18/2009 at 4:09pm / United States (New York) / Health
Today, I was at the airport, about to listen to Disney's Camp Rock soundtrack on my iPhone. I pressed play, only to realize that my headphones weren't plugged in all the way. Everone sitting near me heard Joe Jonas' voice coming from my phone. I am 40 years old. FML
by Italian_Stallion / 02/16/2009 at 4:44pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, I was trying on lingerie in the dressing room of Victoria’s Secret with my boyfriend next to me. I told my him in a seductive, playful tone “You can stay and watch if you give me a piece of your gum.” He said “No I only have three more” and left the room. FML
by cjk004 / 02/15/2009 at 6:35am / United States (California) / Love
by lil_munchkinjen / 02/08/2009 at 7:01pm / United Kingdom (Worcestershire) / Miscellaneous
by bittersweet / 02/07/2009 at 10:08pm / United States (New York) / Love
by Noname / 02/05/2009 at 6:15pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML
by Tori / 02/05/2009 at 10:24am / United States (New York) / Health
by Noname / 02/04/2009 at 6:23am / Canada (Alberta) / Animals
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
by Ah hell / 01/31/2009 at 9:43am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, I was discussing my family heritage with my girlfriend's parents. The moment I told them that I came from a German background, her seven-year-old brother pointed at me and yelled, "HITLER!" FML
by razzmataz / 01/28/2009 at 8:38am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by duh / 01/27/2009 at 3:10am / United States (South Carolina) / Work
by TheEnglishOne / 01/22/2009 at 7:42pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by carrie / 01/13/2009 at 1:41am / Algeria / Miscellaneous
- 1Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both… 2Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for… 3Today my mom, bored lover of games and mysteries, bragged about outsmarting scammers by burning all…