nulls

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nulls

0Fucked!

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  • Number of visits : 2796
  • Number of comments : 2
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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nulls's favorite FMLs

Today, my rescue squad unit responded to a 911 call from a woman who felt she was going to pass out. We knocked on her locked door a couple times with no answer. Fearing she might be unconscious, I kicked in the door. She was about to open it and only passed out from the concussion I gave her. FML

by mrWrong / 03/24/2009 at 9:20pm / United States (Virginia) / Work

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

by konens_dick / 03/22/2009 at 6:38am / United States (Washington) / Intimacy

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

by Stacy / 03/20/2009 at 8:43pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy

Today, I was walking out of the grocery store and out of no where, a car backing up pretty fast speeds downs the parking lot and hits me, causing me to fall down and drop all of the groceries. The woman jumped out of her car, not to help me, but to carefully check her bumper for scratches. FML

by dxplq876 / 03/16/2009 at 11:13pm / United States / Transportation

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

by Noname / 03/16/2009 at 1:29pm / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was at a dance. I was griding with this guy when I felt something move in his pants. I stood up and stepped away. He replied with "Don't flatter yourself, it was my phone". FML

by Joe / 03/09/2009 at 8:26pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love

Today, in a very crowded public restroom at a sporting arena, after looking to the man using the urinal to his right, my 6 year old son turns to address me on his left and exclaims, "Daddy, that man's wiener is a lot bigger than yours!" The whole bathroom heard and looked immediately at me. FML

by SadDad / 03/05/2009 at 8:51pm / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, in the fitting room at Old Navy, a customer asked me if we sold Calvin Klein jeans. I replied "no ma'am, this isn't a department store, we only sell Old Navy jeans." She left, and complained to my manager, who informed me that "the customer is always right." FML

by samantha / 03/03/2009 at 7:18pm / United States (Oregon) / Work

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year old daughter from her room texts me, "Stop." FML

by dad / 03/03/2009 at 5:28pm / United States (Virginia) / Intimacy

Today, I came to work, to find my creepy boss sitting in my office. I work the night shift, so very unusual to find him there. I asked how he was, and he replied, "I told my wife about us; she kicked me out." I've been working there a month. Also, I'm married and pregnant. So, excuse me, "US?" FML

by oh_mylanta / 03/02/2009 at 4:10am / United States (Illinois) / Work

Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML

by TahRah / 02/28/2009 at 4:58pm / United States (Virginia) / Health

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

by tryena / 02/28/2009 at 5:59am / United States (Idaho) / Kids

Today, I told my boyfriend that I don't like his facial hair and that he should shave it off. He replied, "You first." FML

by bojangles / 02/27/2009 at 7:34pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

by Dariya / 02/12/2009 at 11:25pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, my old man told me that he only married my mom because she convinced him she was pregnant with his child. In fact, she aborted a week later. "And then we had you instead." FML

by crakbbyaparently / 01/30/2009 at 8:34pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous