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nothing92x's favorite FMLs
Today, I was walking to my mailbox and I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9am" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I am still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML
by notwasted39 / 07/13/2009 at 12:21pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Animals
Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML
by frankfukhergood / 07/09/2009 at 1:49am / Canada / Miscellaneous
by cheated / 07/08/2009 at 2:46am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, I got a call from my parents that they have decided to get a divorce. My brothers and I just shelled out $5,000 each and spent months planning their 50th Anniversary party that was supposed to be next month. FML
by Annabelle / 07/05/2009 at 4:12pm / United States (Colorado) / Love
by wetboy / 07/05/2009 at 6:07am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was on a train when an old man standing next to me very obviously checked me out, caught my eye, and winked. He spent the next five minutes rubbing his penis against my leg. When I turned to tell him off, the train lurched, and the old man fell face first into my breasts. FML
by bridezilla / 07/05/2009 at 12:12am / Canada (Alberta) / Transportation
Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML
by Anonymous / 07/01/2009 at 4:35pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, I got an email from a guy to whom I sold my old phone to over eBay. Turns out I forgot to delete the nude photos of myself and my boyfriend that I had stored up. His email asked me for "any PIN numbers needed to use the phone, and oh by the way, nice tits." FML
by paprikarulz / 07/01/2009 at 6:31am / Australia (Western Australia) / Intimacy
by lawoman27 / 07/01/2009 at 12:08am / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I walked into a gas station and saw some $.25 gum. It looked good and I thought I'd had a quarter in my pocket. I find no change in my pocket once I get to the register, so I pull out my credit card. The cashier laughs a few seconds later. My card was declined for a piece of gum. FML
by DeniedAgain / 06/29/2009 at 12:04am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML
by Teylot / 06/28/2009 at 5:30pm / Canada (New Brunswick) / Animals
Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML
by EmployeeOfTheMonth / 06/27/2009 at 3:03am / United States (California) / Work
Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML
by FailureAtLife121 / 06/26/2009 at 11:44pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I realized that my company's calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I made love to my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife's name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML
by Fred / 06/26/2009 at 9:32pm / United States (Michigan) / Work
by Jeweler / 06/26/2009 at 2:13am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because… Today, because I’m on my period, I asked my boyfriend to turn around so I could change my clothes.… Today, during a family dinner with my grandparents, I showed them some pictures. One was a picture…