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nothing92x's favorite FMLs
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
by unbelievable208 / 08/05/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I was leaving the mall. I Instinctively hit the unlock button on my car keys from across the parking lot. Little did I know I was making it a whole lot easier for the guy breaking into my car. FML
by Al / 08/05/2009 at 12:13am / United States (Massachusetts) / Transportation
by andi0804 / 08/04/2009 at 9:33pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend was reading me a love poem he wrote for me. It was beautiful, and going really well until he read the last line, which had a girl's name in it. It wasn't my name. My boyfriend said "shit, wrong girl", and dug through his bag for a different poem. FML
by jemma / 08/04/2009 at 7:27am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, I found out that bees like to make hives in odd places, like in your vintage car's trunk. I also found out that they don't like it when you break their hive in half when you open the trunk to get out a spare tire. FML
by Stung / 08/03/2009 at 5:57pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
by theregoesmyspermcount / 08/02/2009 at 6:45pm / United States (Texas) / Health
Today, I planned a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend. I invited all his friend and made all his favorite food. He was running very late, so I called to ask what was taking so long. His response? He said he was at his house, with the very friends I was standing next to. FML
by Anonymous / 08/01/2009 at 9:29pm / United States (New Jersey) / Love
Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2009 at 12:46pm / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy
Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML
by bbbkingsey / 07/23/2009 at 3:10am / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML
by hoho5191 / 07/20/2009 at 12:50pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, I went into a restaurant and sat at a bar near three guys who appeared to be 19 or 20. They did not acknowledge me. 15 minutes later, my burger arrived. They all ran over to ask me about it. I haven't been hit on in months. My cheeseburger is more attractive to men than I am. FML
by Tasty / 07/19/2009 at 6:02pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Love
Today, I was walking to work when I saw an empty pop can. Angry at whoever left it, I kicked it out of the way. Turns out it wasn't empty; it was filled with hornets. I had to run 2km to work while being attacked by a giant swarm of wasps. FML
by Isabelle18 / 07/19/2009 at 10:14am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML
by insertfoothere / 07/18/2009 at 7:26am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my parents are freaking at me because I just got my report and I failed my first year of college. They told me they have never been more disappointed in me. I have to tell them that I'm also pregnant. FML
by failure / 07/16/2009 at 12:25pm / Canada (Newfoundland and Labrador) / Miscellaneous
by broooooock / 07/15/2009 at 9:04pm / United States / Miscellaneous