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nothing92x's favorite FMLs
by razgriz1 / 08/20/2009 at 1:45am / United States (Washington) / Love
Today, a completely drunk girl walked across the bar and punched me in the face because I was wearing the same dress as her, and her boyfriend said it looked better on me. While I was screaming at her for being a stupid bitch, she puked all over me, wiped her mouth and laughed before she passed out. FML
by Anonymous / 08/19/2009 at 6:31pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, I threw a party while my parents were gone. I forgot that our alarm automatically turns on at 11 pm, so when people opened the door, it went off. I couldn't find the number for the alarm company, so the cops showed up. Everyone started cheering because they thought they were strippers. FML
by Life of the party / 08/19/2009 at 1:13am / Miscellaneous
Today, while talking to my boyfriend, I was frantically searching for my cell phone. He was curious as to what I was doing so I told him. There was long silence followed by laughter. He could hardly breathe as he told me, "Honey you're on your phone talking to me." FML
by hunnydoll / 08/17/2009 at 8:16pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend of 5 years. I love her so much and I've been treating her extremely well. Before I could pop the question, she said in these exact words: "Babe, our relationship is like a drunken night. Fun while it lasted but its something I'd rather forget." FML
by singleandheartbroken / 08/17/2009 at 8:04am / Australia (Victoria) / Love
by Anonymous / 08/16/2009 at 2:53pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I woke up with my girl laying next to me in bed. When she woke up we started to get hot and heavy but all of a sudden our cat hops on the bed. I guess the cat was more important cause my girl got up started playing it instead of me. Cockblocked by another pussy. FML
by Steve / 08/16/2009 at 1:04pm / United States (Arizona) / Intimacy
by JPF / 08/12/2009 at 11:13pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML
by Anonymous / 08/12/2009 at 12:44am / United States (Kansas) / Intimacy
Today, I hooked up with the guy I've been seeing. Apparently he doesn't believe in condoms and took it off without my knowing; I didn't realize until after. When I asked him in horror why he would do such a thing, he said "I love you. I want you to have my child." It had been our second date. FML
by SoniaLovesYou / 08/09/2009 at 2:07pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, while working at my life guard job, I noticed a girl bouncing on one foot over to the pool. Afraid she would trip, I whistled at her and harshly yelled "NO running or messing around on the pool deck!" She removed her towel, revealing her legs. Or leg, she only had one. FML
by ugh.. / 08/09/2009 at 11:27am / United States (Alaska) / Kids
by Anonymous / 08/08/2009 at 6:16pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Work
Today, I was working in the box office. A group came in for tickets but wanted to pay individually. One paid $40 for a $25 ticket. Laughing, I reached for the calculator while saying, "I went to public school, so I can't do math." They didn't laugh. They were all teachers in public schools. FML
by Anonymous / 08/08/2009 at 3:02am / United States (New Jersey) / Work
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
by who_could_it_be / 08/06/2009 at 9:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
by unbelievable208 / 08/05/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy