About nightbirdblue : I had some great statement to say about FML earlier, but i forgot it.
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nightbirdblue's favorite FMLs
Today, my asshat roommate tricked me into eating a weed brownie. I thought it was his terrible attempt at baking regular brownies until it kicked in at college. I was so high, I started giggling like a schoolgirl when my instructor said "Dickens". Now everyone thinks I'm a retard. FML
by Annomymous / 01/23/2015 at 1:12pm / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by LD / 01/23/2015 at 11:46am / United States (Idaho) / Intimacy
Today, I found out why I receive random drug tests at work. The safety department was specifically told by my boss to check up on me because I always seem way too cheerful to not be high. I've passed every single test. FML
by Ineedlotsofwater / 01/23/2015 at 11:41am / United States (Washington) / Work
Today, I started at my new job. Turns out my boss is a complete douchebag. He spent most of the day looking over our shoulders and making cuntish comments about our work, then called a guy a piece of shit for farting and forced him to spray disinfectant on his chair. FML
by Mishlette / 01/23/2015 at 8:27am / United Kingdom (Derby) / Work
by annoyed / 01/22/2015 at 3:23pm / United States (California) / Health
Today, my in-laws were visiting. My mother-in-law asked my 10-year-old son what he wants to be when he grows up. He said "A pimp!" I have no idea where he even heard the word, but the death glares my in-laws gave me made me want to shrivel up and die. FML
by Anonymous / 01/22/2015 at 1:27pm / United States (Texas) / Kids
by mdg41 / 01/22/2015 at 12:55pm / United States (Illinois) / Miscellaneous
by burningman / 01/22/2015 at 5:40am / Germany (Hessen) / Transportation
Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
by Anonymous / 01/22/2015 at 1:41am / United States (Georgia) / Love
Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML
by Anonymous / 01/21/2015 at 6:57am / United States (Michigan) / Kids
by Anonymous / 01/21/2015 at 3:33am / New Zealand (Auckland) / Intimacy
Today, I did my first night of open-mic standup. The first 5 minutes went badly, but I don't know if it got any better afterwards, because a drunk audience member climbed up on stage and knocked me out. FML
Today, while trying to take a crap, I shut the bathroom door. A minute later, my 3 year old daughter knocked and said "Mommy, do you wanna build a snowman?" She kept singing the song until I was finally done. FML
by frozenpoo / 01/20/2015 at 9:05pm / United States / Kids
Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML
by fun in functioning, I suppose / 01/20/2015 at 2:54pm / United States (Mississippi) / Intimacy
Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML
by mybfthecrossdresser / 01/20/2015 at 10:08am / Australia (Western Australia) / Love
- 1Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I… 2Today, after working for Uber for a few weeks I realized that my driver rating was dropping. After… 3Today, I received a phone call, angry at me for not calling my dad on Father's Day. When I told her…