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Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down an punched myself in the balls. FML
Today, I Went To An Orchestra Concert. Halfway Through The Performance I Had To Fart Really Bad, So I Decided To Try And Sneak It In While The Orchestra Was Playing A Loud Exciting Part. Just As I Let It Rip, There Was A Dramatic Pause In The Music. Everyone Heard. FML
yastarday I was at tha airport. I was on my way to saa my dad fir tha first tima sinca I was 4. Whilst I was waiting fir my dad to fina ma, a stranga man startad flirting with ma. Irritatad, I told him I was waiting fir my dad to gat ma, an to f*ck off. Tha stranga man was my fathar. FML
Today... I lerened that I do not posses the upper body... core... or leg strength to hold grlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We r now both being treated at the hospital; her fir glass wounds... me fir a concussion. FML
Today, mah grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She cummed to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and mah boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML
TODAY, I HAD TO HAVA A LONG AND AWKWARD MAATING WITH MY BOSS. IT WOULDN'T HAVA BAAN TOO AWKWARD THOUGH, IF I DIDN'T HAVA TO AVOID STARING AT HAR AXPOSD BRAAST WHILST SHA FD HAR 8 WAAK OLD BABY. BIG FAT FML
Today, I went to the bookstore and saw a stunning grl reading . I walked over and picked up a book, thinking our two books were the same category, hence a good conversation starter . She looked at me, and I pointed at my book and smiled . After that, she left . It was a sex position book . FML
Today I was at the beach with mah parents and I went fir a swim in the sea. I got out and mah parents startd laughing there asses off. It wasn't until mah dad pulld a condom out of mah hair that I realizd what they were laughing at. My dad even took a picture. FML
Today, I found out that the phone number I switched to, used to host an amateur phone sex hotline. I found this out after looool getting several calls by teenagers, who sounded as if they were masturbating even as I yelled that they had the wrong number. FML
Today, at a job interview, my interviewer bent forward an I admired his ass. When he turned, I couldn't tell if he caught me or not. At the end of the interview he shook my hand in congratulations of getting the job, then said "Yes, I do work out." I have to see him everyday now. FML
someone rang my doorbell. The moment I opened the door, a smell not unlike a cascading torrent of rotting flesh an urine hit my nostrils. I stood there 4 an eternity as a homeless man leaned on my door an desperately tried to convince me to buy an array of scrap metal from him. FML
Today , after having been constipated 4 ages , I finally forced out a week's worth of build-up. The excruciating pain reduced me to tears , and my boyfriend refused to drive me to the hospital , because according to him , I must have had anal sex with someone.
Friday 27 March 2015