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newburton13

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newburton13
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  • Number of visits : 6654
  • Number of comments : 744
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 55 posted

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Why am I up so early?

You commented on an FML between 6 and 7 am.

This isn't what should be happening

You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.

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newburton13's favorite FMLs

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

#480459
75 comments

I agree, your life sucks (59835) - you deserved it (8178)

On 03/19/2009 at 11:34pm - misc - by churchgoer (man) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to my friend's house. While she went to the kitchen, I noticed a little pink pastry on her desk. It looked really good, so I decided to take a bite before she got back. As I bit into it, a sizzling noise started, and foam overflowed in my mouth. It was a bath bomb. FML

#458793
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8080) - you deserved it (72257)

On 03/19/2009 at 1:09am - misc - by skywayavenue (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant, I'd forgotten my glasses and had a migraine. I was straining my eyes, squinting and rubbing my temples to alleviate my migraine. I was kicked out of the restaurant and banned henceforth because my waitress thought I was mocking her eyes. FML

#433810
93 comments

I agree, your life sucks (71853) - you deserved it (9008)

On 03/18/2009 at 2:22am - misc - by lemonjuice (woman) - United States (Maine)

Today, the phone kept ringing but there was only silence on the other line. The third time I yelled, "What the fuck is your F*ing problem asshole!? Get a life shithead!" and hung up. Then the pastor's wife called and explained that she mistakingly set her phone on mute. FML

#430302
40 comments

I agree, your life sucks (16374) - you deserved it (56540)

On 03/17/2009 at 11:48pm - misc - by jina (woman) - Korea Republic of (Seoul-t'ukpyolsi)

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. After three long weeks of him ignoring me and cancelling out on time we were supposed to spend with each other. He looked at me with the most confused look on his face. Then he says ''Are you serious? I was planning the perfect day to ask you to marry me'' FML

#409888
189 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31179) - you deserved it (84132)

On 03/17/2009 at 10:20am - misc - by PinkTornado - Canada (Ontario)

Today, I was with my grandma waiting in a line. She only speaks Chinese and there was a black man in front of us talking his phone. My grandma tells me that the black man's really loud and annoying. The man finishes and turns and said fluently in Chinese, "What's wrong with loud black men?" FML

#399721
162 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48589) - you deserved it (27632)

On 03/16/2009 at 10:09pm - misc - by kaichennnxx (man) - United States (California)

Today, my phone rang while I was home alone. When I picked up, all I could hear was heavy breathing. Convinced it was one of my friends playing a joke, I said loudly, "Get off the phone, you fucker, and don't call back!" It turned out it was my grandma. She had been having a stroke. FML

#386198
151 comments

I agree, your life sucks (36294) - you deserved it (81195)

On 03/16/2009 at 5:01pm - misc - by badgrandchild - United States (District of Columbia)

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

#319539
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14857) - you deserved it (175148)

On 03/14/2009 at 11:16am - love - by Noname (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend because I saw him with another woman. I confronted both of them in screaming rage "What the fuck? Are you cheating on me with this ugly slut?" They were in shock. Turns out it was his cousin visiting from New Jersey, he was gonna introduce us at dinner. FML

#300498
196 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15811) - you deserved it (174206)

On 03/13/2009 at 9:18am - love - by nowthatsfcked (woman) - Canada

Today, I was woken up by the sound of power tools at 6:30am. I stuck my head out my window and yelled at them to shut up. They didn't stop. I walked out the front door to find the bastard. It was firemen. They were sawing down the door of my neighbour's burning house. FML

#280969
25 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8138) - you deserved it (64867)

On 03/12/2009 at 10:29am - misc - by Noname (woman) - Canada (Saskatchewan)

Today, I went on my porch for a late night cigarette. When I opened the door and took one step inside, all I remember is a big thud. I woke up 5 minutes later with my Father over top of me saying "nice right hook, huh?" Then he chuckled. He thought I was a burgler and he knocked me out. FML

#268069
65 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46896) - you deserved it (7199)

On 03/11/2009 at 2:04am - misc - by Noname - United States (Pennsylvania)

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

#262388
125 comments

I agree, your life sucks (78302) - you deserved it (5958)

On 03/10/2009 at 5:31pm - misc - by rebecca (woman) - Austria (Wien)

Today, my mother told me she needed a urine sample to send in to the doctors to test for any allergies. I did what she had asked and went to my room. I came down stairs later and found her in the bathroom putting my pee on a pregnancy test stick. FML

#253900
167 comments

I agree, your life sucks (77041) - you deserved it (7513)

On 03/09/2009 at 6:54pm - misc - by missy (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

#249952
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44576) - you deserved it (8081)

On 03/09/2009 at 4:25am - misc - by McChunky =( - United States (California)

Today, I went to my guidance counselor and told her how I'd been fascinated with space since I was 12, had read about the universe and everything, and how I want to be an astrologist when I grow up. She stared at me for a second, before saying, "But you're... stupid." FML

#233372
258 comments

I agree, your life sucks (60604) - you deserved it (15312)

On 03/07/2009 at 11:10am - misc - by astroloser (woman) - Philippines (Rizal)



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