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About moonsalt : Writer. Student. Experienced musician. Friendly bacon scholar. Hardcore internet geek. Zombie specialist. Unable to type with boxing gloves on.
"Love: it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you. It will set you free!"
Who know who's amazing? You're not. But Mumford and Sons is. Castrate yourself with a rusty fork if you think otherwise. Of Monsters and Men is also an acceptable answer.
You know what I hate? About mes. I should probably figure these out, so I don't stumble the next time my interviewer yaks, "Tell me a little about yourself." A little? I am large! I contain multitudes! To illustrate the fabrics of my individualism in some transparent and straightforward diction would be an embarrassment to all who bestow the same good fortune I do to others. I'd like to meet those people. Message me if you qualify. Otherwise, shut up and go away lest you achieve the physical retribution your behavior merits.
That was your 500th “you totally deserved it” vote. We admire your dedication.
Who’s the fairest of them all?
This is now the third time you’ve changed your profile pic.
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML
Today, a girl and I were flirting and it was going well. Feeling bold, I asked what she would do if I kissed her. She smiled flirtatiously and said "Why don't you try it and find out?" I went in for a kiss, and she slapped me. FML
Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML
Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML
Today, I got a ticket for vandalizing public property. I decided to draw a cat on the street outside my house in sidewalk chalk. I'm 20, and I have to explain to my parents why I'm playing with chalk instead of studying. FML
Today, my car alarm went off so I went outside to investigate. Apparently, the abundant rain water in my street had swept a trash can five houses down, only to be stopped by my car. My bumper was dented by a run-away waste receptacle. FML
Today, I told my friend how I liked this girl but was too scared to ask her out. He told me "Why? The worst she's going to do is say no." Building confidence I approached her and asked her on a date. Then she replied "Get away douchebag!" and kicked me in the nuts. FML
Friday 6 December 2013