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moldehbread's favorite FMLs
by FriendlessLoser / 08/17/2016 at 3:11am / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
Today, the play I was directing opened. The curtain opened, and my lead actor and actress weren't prepared. I could tell from the looks on their faces as the whole audience saw him balls deep in her, doggy style, on stage. FML
by headinabag33 / 02/14/2016 at 8:57pm / United States (North Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
by Idiot says "HIPAA violation" / 06/26/2015 at 9:21pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
by Anonymous / 06/07/2015 at 12:21am / New Zealand (Gisborne) / Intimacy
Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML
by dump truck hater / 06/03/2015 at 12:18pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 04/22/2015 at 10:14am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
Today, my 17-year-old son managed to easily convince my 13-year-old daughter that if you have sex before getting married, you'll instantly get horrible diseases that will kill you. Her freaking out is how I found out she's not only gullible as hell, but sexually active as well. FML
by Anonymous / 10/22/2014 at 12:09pm / Norway (Rogaland) / Kids
by facepalm / 10/15/2014 at 7:36pm / United States (Florida) / Love
by healthfreak / 09/06/2014 at 9:57pm / United States (Georgia) / Kids
Today, my car broke down on the highway, and I had to call for a tow truck. It finally showed up, only to break down too less than a mile later. Cue nearly freezing to death while we waited for help to arrive for the both of us. FML
by MERRY FUCKMYARSEMASS / 12/26/2013 at 3:39pm / United Kingdom / Transportation
Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML
by OakStake / 12/08/2013 at 5:07pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by twinArmageddon2 / 04/15/2013 at 2:04am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML
by Anonymous / 04/11/2013 at 11:42am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I learned that I'm expecting twins. A boy and a girl. My husband, upon finding out about this, immediately suggested that we give them Star Wars names. But not Luke and Leia. Oh no. He wants to name them Darth and Vayda. And he is absolutely serious about this. FML
by AGeeksWife / 09/12/2012 at 3:03am / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids
by lalala / 06/14/2011 at 6:47am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
- Today, after three unsuccessful months of trying to make me orgasm, my boyfriend finally succeeded.… Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing… Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got…