About melody309 : Hi! I'm just a college student trying to find her way in the world without drowning in debt. My favorite things in the world are baking, Harry Potter, Pokémon, music, All Time Low, psychology, my cat, my family, and my boyfriend. Sometimes I like to dance around my room like I'm 14 and pretend my hair brush is a microphone, and I'm not ashamed.
melody309's FML badges
You've looked for Santa absolutely everywhere, and you managed to find him. Well done!
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melody309's favorite FMLs
by Great / 04/08/2014 at 9:42pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by that girl / 04/08/2014 at 7:06pm / United States (Alabama) / Intimacy
Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML
by Anonymous / 04/07/2014 at 1:43pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, I noticed something written on the top of my toaster, so I used a finger to clear away some of the crumbs, burning my finger in the process. The writing? "CAUTION: Hot surface!" Thanks, toaster. FML
by Anonymous / 04/07/2014 at 1:02pm / Canada / Health
by derped-out sperm / 04/01/2014 at 5:41pm / Ireland / Kids
Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML
by emergencyroom / 03/15/2014 at 8:21am / United States (Maryland) / Kids
Today, I watched my daughter squealing with delight in front of a video game. Beating a boss? Slaying an adversary? Completing a quest? Not at all. She was chasing birds, making them fly away, then starting all over again as soon as they landed. She's 19. FML
by melimelo24 / 03/13/2014 at 5:33am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids
by Anonymous / 03/11/2014 at 11:34pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by are you kidding me? / 03/10/2014 at 4:22am / United Kingdom (Ealing) / Miscellaneous
Today, an American lady here in Ireland asked me if I was a Leprechaun. Thinking she was joking, and me being quite "vertically challenged," I decided to just say yes. She then grabbed me and made me endure photographs, cuddles and pats on the head from all her fellow tourists. FML
by SpilledWater93 / 03/09/2014 at 11:07pm / Ireland (Wicklow) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML
by hot sweet.... not / 02/23/2014 at 5:27pm / United Kingdom (Renfrewshire) / Kids
Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML
by Anonymous / 02/21/2014 at 12:37pm / Germany (Rheinland-Pfalz) / Intimacy
Today, I walked into my apartment and smelled something extremely repugnant. I asked my roommate what had happened and she said, "I didn't know how else to kill it!" She'd trapped a bat that was in our apartment, put it in the oven, and set it to 400 degrees. FML
by BakedBat / 02/20/2014 at 11:10pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
by begging for air / 02/20/2014 at 12:45pm / United States (Oregon) / Miscellaneous
by unloved cat owner / 02/15/2014 at 7:50pm / United States (California) / Animals
- 1Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both… 2Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for… 3Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got…
- Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been having an intimate text exchange with a woman. She's… Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML Today, the police called and told me that they had Alex in custody. Apparently, she had public sex…