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mattman0529

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mattman0529

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  • Town/Country : Not specified
  • Title : Mister
  • Birth Date : Tuesday 29 May 1990 (24 years)
  • <3 status : Not specified
  • Number of visits : 258
  • Number of comments : 1
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 3 posted

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mattman0529's favorite FMLs

Today, I woke up in my hospital bed after having knee surgery, on the wrong knee. FML

#20986378
221 comments

I agree, your life sucks (66341) - you deserved it (3592)

On 12/09/2013 at 2:17pm - health - by knee pain - United States

Today, I was chatting with my mother. She was telling me about some new mouthwash she recently got, and the moment the word "gargle" escaped her lips, my husband muttered just a little too loudly from the kitchen, "How about gargling my balls instead, bitch." Our family is now at war. FML

#20985190
124 comments

I agree, your life sucks (46577) - you deserved it (5130)

On 12/08/2013 at 3:39pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I found out that I take long enough showers for my boyfriend to sleep with my sister and put everything back to normal before I get out. I found out when I needed more shampoo that was in a shopping bag in my room. FML

#20984084
123 comments

I agree, your life sucks (62613) - you deserved it (5165)

On 12/07/2013 at 4:55pm - intimacy - by mystery - United States (North Dakota)

Today, I was proud when I started a confrontation with my best friend's brother because he is a sexist pig who treats women like crap. Six hours later my pride was gone: I made him an after-sex sandwich. FML

#20975509
100 comments

Today, my neighbor brought a ruined napkin holder over and claimed that we drilled a hole through his wall and ruined it. I apologized, not telling him that it was actually a bullet that my boyfriend shot through the wall. FML

#20974338
144 comments

I agree, your life sucks (22604) - you deserved it (35901)

On 11/29/2013 at 12:53am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States

Today, I was teasing my 6-year-old sister about having a boyfriend. I asked her, "Did he take his shirt off?" She promptly said no. A few minutes later, she said, "But he did take his pants off." I then asked why. She said, "To show me his penis." FML

#20743211
148 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53472) - you deserved it (7864)

On 06/23/2013 at 7:36pm - kids - by joe - United States (Maryland)

Today, after dating for almost a year, I decided to introduce my parents to the man I was sure I'd fallen in love with. When dad saw him, his and my boyfriend's face completely dropped. I asked them what was wrong because I could feel the discomfort. Turns out, I'm dating my dad's drug dealer. FML

#20724998
165 comments

I agree, your life sucks (72953) - you deserved it (7218)

On 06/14/2013 at 2:48am - love - by explanations (woman) - United States (Illinois)

Today, I went to the pharmacy to buy condoms. My card was declined, and I had to stand and watch in morbid fascination as the man behind me kindly paid for my purchase. His reason was "God forbid a maxed out Visa should get in the way of fucking." FML

#20698637
33 comments

I agree, your life sucks (65597) - you deserved it (18708)

On 06/01/2013 at 1:09am - intimacy - by Samprib (woman) - United States (Indiana)

Today, I learned if you type my full name in Google Images, the 3rd thing that comes up is a naked woman in ropes. Someone on Pornhub thought it was smart to comment that the girl looks just like me. She does. Now my parents think I'm a porn star, and most people at school stopped talking to me. FML

#20662282
109 comments

I agree, your life sucks (63576) - you deserved it (4971)

On 05/14/2013 at 12:15am - intimacy - by magomag (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, I walked in on my son trying to carve a bong out of a watermelon. FML

#20656177
89 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41201) - you deserved it (7149)

On 05/11/2013 at 12:21pm - kids - by What the fuck, son? (man) - Netherlands (Utrecht)

Today, at work at a farm, we got a new calf. It looked like it had to poop, but was having difficulty. About four hours later it still hadn't pooped. Turns out it was born without an actual butthole. It was there, just sealed up by skin. I literally had to cut this poor calf a new butthole. FML

#20617044
158 comments

I agree, your life sucks (79540) - you deserved it (4085)

On 04/23/2013 at 10:01pm - animals - by halliemarie1818 - United States

Today, I learned two things. First, my girlfriend loves sex. Second, I'm practically the only one she hasn't had sex with in the 2 months we've been dating. FML

#20598610
120 comments

I agree, your life sucks (57888) - you deserved it (5625)

On 04/17/2013 at 2:14am - love - by rawdoglyfe69 - United States (Montana)

Today, while on the way to Florida for spring break, I pointed out to my mom a bright blue car in the rear-view mirror. As the car overtook us, we both got a horrifyingly detailed view of the driver jerking off her passenger. FML

#20565452
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (39981) - you deserved it (4707)

On 03/29/2013 at 1:13pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML

#20562056
141 comments

I agree, your life sucks (41013) - you deserved it (5319)

On 03/27/2013 at 4:00am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I was feeling sick and fainted while teaching my kindergarten class. I came to when one boy poured a cup of water on my face. Three kids were crying into my walkie talkie telling the office I was dead, and the rest of the class had disappeared. FML

#20556205
117 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43533) - you deserved it (3229)

On 03/23/2013 at 9:25am - kids - by kindergarten teacher - United States (California)



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