matt140348

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matt140348

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  • Number of visits : 91
  • Number of comments : 0
  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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matt140348's favorite FMLs

Today, I found out that instead of going on a date with a girl I've liked for months, I'm going to be forced to have lunch with my grandmother tomorrow. Instead of losing my virginity, I will get to be interrogated about why I'm single. FML

by foreveravirgin / 08/15/2012 at 3:07pm / United States (Louisiana) / Intimacy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head on the living room couch. Apparently his two cats didn't approve, and they started attacking my face. Luckily for him, since my boyfriend was holding my head down, his privates didn't get a scratch. FML

by Anonymous / 08/15/2012 at 1:15pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, I realized why it's not a good idea to sleep with your boyfriend when he still lives with his mom. She may walk in, make you get dressed, and demand what you have to say for yourself. Trust me, "Your son is good at sex" is not the right answer. FML

by shelby124 / 08/15/2012 at 12:31pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy

Today, my girlfriend started a huge fight with me over how I don't have the right to have close female friends anymore. She ended up storming off, and won't return my calls. But no worries: she did just play the word "murder" in our game of Words With Friends. Very comforting. FML

Today, my dad got so drunk that he had an intense argument with the microwave, resulting in him threatening to ground me after I tried to calm him down. FML

by Todd / 08/14/2012 at 12:14pm / United States / Health

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

by Embarrassed / 08/07/2012 at 3:48am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a party. He got drunk and started talking about how his hot blonde girlfriend gives him great blowjobs. I'm a brunette. FML

by kklaucen14 / 08/05/2012 at 9:15pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

by Kolkata / 08/05/2012 at 7:25pm / Canada / Kids

Today, while I was getting intimate with my husband, he moaned someone else's name. He actually tried to explain himself by saying that he'd had a "divine encounter," and while "possessed by the Lord," he'd been told the name of our future daughter. FML

by lils / 08/05/2012 at 1:45pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, my mom thought I was flying high on weed and nearly grounded me for it. I wasn't high, I was just actually in a good mood for the first time in a few weeks. FML

by HappyMan / 08/02/2012 at 10:14pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

by purplexangel / 08/02/2012 at 1:32pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

by opinaise / 08/02/2012 at 9:00am / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Love

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

by Kelly / 08/02/2012 at 4:11am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

by Anonymous / 08/01/2012 at 5:02am / United States / Intimacy

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

by oink oink fuck off / 07/29/2012 at 2:49pm / United Kingdom (Doncaster) / Kids