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Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML
I agree, your life sucks (42975) - you deserved it (11040)
On 03/06/2013 at 3:20pm - intimacy - by RedWaters - United States
Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip. There was a shift in gears and the metal in the seat began to vibrate. My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing. It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm. FML
I agree, your life sucks (31878) - you deserved it (3181)
On 02/26/2013 at 10:00pm - intimacy - by Frostbitten (woman) - United States (Maine)
Today, while on the bus, the guy sitting beside me let out the vilest and most nauseating fart I've ever encountered, the kind that could retroactively sterilize five generations of one's ancestors with the smell alone. As I gagged, he smirked and said, "That's Taco Bell for ya." FML
I agree, your life sucks (29498) - you deserved it (2562)
On 01/18/2013 at 8:32pm - misc - by methane overload (man) - United States
Today, my hamster died. It climbed out of its cage and jumped off my dresser. Looking for condolences, I told my mom who replied, "If I lived in your room, I would have done it earlier." FML
I agree, your life sucks (22164) - you deserved it (5712)
On 01/11/2013 at 2:09am - animals - by deadhammy (man) - United States (California)
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try a new place to eat. On our way home we both had upset stomachs. As we raced into the house we realized neither of us could hold it any longer. Having only one bathroom, I let her go first. She exploded on the toilet and I exploded in my pants. FML
I agree, your life sucks (32280) - you deserved it (2704)
On 12/31/2012 at 5:36pm - work - by shattysituation - United States
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37405) - you deserved it (6430)
On 12/24/2012 at 8:32am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, at my new job, some juvenile cockbite spiked my food with a laxative, as part of some kind of bizarre hazing ritual. The bastard got ratted out and suspended, but my arsehole now feels like it's been blown apart by a nuclear warhead. I thought this shit only happened in movies. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24257) - you deserved it (5703)
On 12/20/2012 at 4:49pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - United Kingdom (London, City of)
Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14185) - you deserved it (5012)
On 12/09/2012 at 4:52pm - love - by HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE (man) - United Kingdom (Barking and Dagenham)
Today, after having sex, my girlfriend left my apartment after furiously ranting at me, because I made her come "too many times" and that it's "unfair" to her. What? FML
I agree, your life sucks (40905) - you deserved it (2665)
On 12/04/2012 at 3:09pm - intimacy - by AllegroRubato (man) - Chile (Region Metropolitana)
Today, I got into a car accident. The guy wouldn't give me his information, but instead stood there saying, "Like a good neighbor, Statefarm is there." FML
I agree, your life sucks (19835) - you deserved it (1209)
On 11/24/2012 at 12:55am - misc - by Read The Fine Print - United States (California)
Today, it was my birthday. I finally got the PS3 I've been asking for, for a long time. When I opened the box, I didn't find a PS3, but a bunch of clothes that my mom put in my brother's PS3 box. FML
I agree, your life sucks (18266) - you deserved it (2765)
On 11/10/2012 at 4:02am - misc - by Shauna (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (17139) - you deserved it (3551)
On 10/28/2012 at 12:44pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - United States
Today, I passed out while I was with my boyfriend in his garden. I woke up on the concrete just outside his house. Apparently, he'd tried to carry me in, but because he was too weak, he gave up and went to watch TV. FML
I agree, your life sucks (16963) - you deserved it (2071)
On 10/24/2012 at 12:52pm - love - by Alice - United Kingdom
Today, I was babysitting a six year old girl, when I saw a huge spider on the wall. I screamed and told her to stay back. Instead, she walked up to the spider, squished it, and told me to stop being such a baby. FML
I agree, your life sucks (7037) - you deserved it (16894)
On 09/30/2012 at 1:57pm - kids - by Anonymous (woman) - Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)
Today, I heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I discovered my husband, naked and with his pants around his ankles, standing in the bathtub and pointing at a cockroach on the ground. After disposing of the body, I had to stay and comfort him while he wiped his ass. FML
I agree, your life sucks (21741) - you deserved it (2205)
On 07/10/2012 at 3:33pm - misc - by I_Has_A_Fishy - United States (Texas)
Wednesday 15 May 2013
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