About mariepastyglue : FML is so freaken addicting, and I love it!!!!
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mariepastyglue's favorite FMLs
Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML
by Aliiiice / 07/16/2013 at 9:18am / France (Haute-Normandie) / Health
by Anonymous / 07/09/2013 at 1:11pm / United States (Michigan) / Love
Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML
by patriarchal apparently / 06/29/2013 at 3:58pm / Saint Lucia / Intimacy
by keiran123 / 06/27/2013 at 7:15pm / United States (Louisiana) / Work
by Guntherdog / 06/27/2013 at 11:17am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, a neighbor's kid decided to pick a fight with me because I'm "the new kid in town and need to learn who's in charge". When I told him I'm 27, he said excuses like that aren't going to get me off the hook. I just moved here and I'm already being harassed by a twelve year old. FML
by LyraAlluse / 06/26/2013 at 2:12pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids
Today, I finally unfriended my roommate's mom on Facebook after months of her commenting on my wall multiple times a day and basically stalking me. After discovering this, she drove to our apartment to demand through hysterical tears that my roommate move out because I can't be trusted. FML
by nomomsonfacebook / 06/23/2013 at 8:30pm / United States (Connecticut) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was told by a friend that my girlfriend has been cheating on me. Her defence was that if I had a bigger dick she wouldn't have been, in her words, forced to go elsewhere for sex. My mother's response when I confided this in her: "Ask me if I care." FML
by Anonymous / 06/23/2013 at 3:19pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love
Today, I came back from the doctor after having been diagnosed with a UTI. My dad now won't shut up about it, saying stuff like, "You must be 'pissed'", "Looks like 'urine' a bit of pain", and "'Urea'-lly need some antibiotics, son", all while making obnoxious finger quotes in the air. FML
by assholedad / 06/21/2013 at 2:05pm / United States (Ohio) / Health
by anonymous / 06/19/2013 at 9:09pm / United States (Texas) / Transportation
by RoyallyGrossedOut / 06/19/2013 at 3:22am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, my husband was in our newborn's room, holding and talking to him. I guess he forgot the baby monitor, because I overheard him say, "Wanna know a secret? Daddy kills people." I really hope he was just quoting Dexter. FML
by imarriedanaxemurderer / 06/18/2013 at 1:01am / United States (Illinois) / Kids
Today, my step-dad was talking about how he was raised in Las Vegas, telling stories about him and his buddies, until he stopped, looked right at my mom and said, "Find her, feed her, f*ck her, forget her. But I never forgot your mom, that's how I stole her from your dad." FML
by MsAnonymous17 / 05/26/2013 at 7:20pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, the communications expert I'm forced to work with added the line "as they can catch bigger fishes" to a film script. She does not believe me when I tell her that the plural of fish is "fish." This idiot not only has the final word, she makes twice what I do. FML
by onefishtwofishes / 05/23/2013 at 4:15pm / United States (District of Columbia) / Work
Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML
by SkeetinKeaton / 05/06/2013 at 2:29am / United States / Kids
- 1Today, I took a test. I got up to turn it in, and accidentally bumped into another student. We both… 2Today, my energetic 10-month-old decided to stay up four hours past bedtime. After I FINALLY got… 3Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for…