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maloccarini's favorite FMLs
Today, while out hiking, my phone slipped out of my pocket. I caught it and gave it to my little cousin, giving her a "special mission" to keep it safe. When we got back to our cars later, I asked her for my phone back. Turns out she left it under a shrub back in the hills so it'd be "safe." FML
by Anonymous / 01/06/2013 at 7:24pm / United States (Idaho) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 01/06/2013 at 8:06am / United States (Florida) / Intimacy
Today, my friend and I were trying out a site on which you talk to strangers using a mic and webcam. We came across a cute guy, who said to my friend, "Tell the fat guy to move." He was referring to me. I'm a girl. FML
by Pennepestoem / 01/05/2013 at 2:07pm / Philippines (Manila) / Miscellaneous
by nomegusta / 01/05/2013 at 10:59am / United States / Miscellaneous
by kblevss / 01/05/2013 at 4:21am / United States (New Jersey) / Intimacy
Today, when I got home I noticed a statue of a gnome sitting next to the door. I've had an intense phobia of gnomes since I was a child, and I can't bring myself to walk past it. It's been half an hour and I'm still standing outside. I can see my dad through the window laughing and waving. FML
by VampObsessed / 01/05/2013 at 12:30am / United States (Texas) / Love
by lonely dreams / 01/01/2013 at 12:26pm / United States (Nevada) / Intimacy
by ashbeat / 01/01/2013 at 10:20am / Australia (New South Wales) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 12/30/2012 at 9:45pm / United States (Maryland) / Intimacy
by kmtranter / 12/28/2012 at 6:40am / United Kingdom (Brent) / Intimacy
Today, after having sex for the first time with my girlfriend, I realised I was in love with her. I noticed she had an eyelash on her breast. After tugging it a few times I realised it was actually a single black nipple hair. She was so embarrassed, she kicked me out and now won't return my calls. FML
by ohman / 12/27/2012 at 10:06pm / United Kingdom (Cardiff) / Intimacy
by well, i am now / 12/27/2012 at 7:24pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he flicks my clitoris just right, my legs both twitch spastically regardless of arousal level. He thinks it's hilarious and can no longer take sex seriously. FML
by geewhy / 12/26/2012 at 4:20pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Intimacy
Today, my 14-year-old daughter came home after sneaking out and partying. She was totally drunk, and started crying on my shoulder because some boy named "Thomas" has a small dick, and she had to fake an orgasm. FML
by valnaj1 / 12/24/2012 at 10:03pm / Denmark (Syddanmark) / Intimacy
Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML
by Anonymous / 12/24/2012 at 1:02pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Intimacy
- Today, I managed to convince a girl to come back to my place for a bit of fun. Unfortunately, I was… Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That… Today, I went to Walmart with my girlfriend. We bought the usual, food, Advil and condoms. While I…