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Today, I went to class with my bag packed for a weekend trip when it began to vibrate violently. Stopping mid-lecture, the professor approached me and asked politely if I could turn off my cell phone as I was disturbing the other 150 pupils in the class. It was my personal vibrator. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend in a sexy way "What should we do now, honey?" He answered, "Suck my dick?" I said "I was thinking of something more... romantic." He replied "Suck my dick in the moonlight?" FML
Today, I attended a musical. A new song was played, and I thought I'd heard it before because it sounded strangely familiar. I sang along quietly as the song progressed, positive I knew it. Anticipating the next chorus, I belted out the lyrics with all my heart. It was instrumental. FML
Today, I lost the remote control to my TV. I can't change the channel manually on it, and the channel it's stuck on is currently playing an infomercial for the Pos-T-Vac penis pump. I've been watching this for an hour now. I'm a female, and I'm beginning to feel like I need this product. FML
Today, I came home from a four day trip. Apparently, my cat thought I was gone for good and is now very unhappy that I'm home. I know this because she has been positioning herself between me and my husband all night, and hisses every time I try to touch him. He thinks it's hilarious. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were making love. Her phone rang, and she stopped to answer it. It was her ex-boyfriend, calling her from jail. She talked to him for 15 minutes. To top it all off, before she hung up, I heard her tell him she loved him, and couldn't wait for him to get out. FML
Monday 1 September 2014