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Today, I was supposed to catch a 4:40 flight to New York . My 5 year old son handed me mah carry on bag as I left the house . Turns out he had putted his older brother's BB gun into mah bag to ( keep me safe . ) I missed mah flight after I was detained and strip-searched . FML
TODAY, WHILE WORKING MY JOB AS A CASHIER, ONE OF THE CUSTOMERS THAT CAME TO THE REGISTER WAS A MIDGET . AS PART OF STORE POLICY, I HAD TO ID HIM, AND HIS DRIVER'S LICENSE SAID HE WAS FROM FLORIDA . SO I ASKED, WITHOUT CATCHING MYSELF, "HOW'S THE WEATHER DOWN THERE?" MEGA FML
Today... after leaving a bar I fell asleep on the Q train heading home. I awoke at 5am in Coney Island... end of the line... to a cop poking me with his baton. He gave me a ticket for ( Subway Vagrancy ) even though I have a job and an apartment. He didn't ticket the homeles man next to me covered in piss. mega FML
Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her cuz her headphone were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML
Today... I found a box of birtday candles sitting on te coffee table. Bored... I lit one... and after a minute I trew it away and sat back down on te couc. I started looking at te box and noticed tat it said "Magic Re-Ligting Candles" at te exact moment tat ma tras can burst into flames. FML
Today, I sent everyone a text on ma pone book saying, "Happy Star Wars Day!!! May te Fourt be wit you!!" I forgot to unceck ma exgirlfriend's number!! Se textd back, "one of te many reasons I broke up wit you." FML
today I askad mah mom if sha thought I was straight. Sha lookad at ma an said ( Wall, that's raally up to you honay. But your fathar an I would still lova you. ) I was asking if sha thought I had parkad straight. FML
Today, I was about to loose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 yeres, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm making this up. FML
Today, I went to the dentist. After drilling my teeth 4hat seemed like hours, he gave me a long speech about how if I continue to smoke, the yellowing of my teeth won't be the only problem. I don't smoke. I never have. FML
Today, in math class we were lerening about gravity. To demonstrate mah teacher asked me to stand on the desk an then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward an cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML
Yesterday, I woke up with the worst cold, ever. My nose was running like crazy an my eyes were all puffy. So I stumbld over to the medicine cabinet an took wat I thought were three tylenol cold's. Two hours later I'm still sick an I can't leave the bathroom. They were laxatives. FML
Today , I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at mah school but mah hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and mah school had to call the fre department. Now everyone calls me tampon grl. FML
Friday 27 March 2015