liamitus

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liamitus

0Fucked!

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  • Number of visits : 1767
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  • Number of FMLs : 0 confirmed out of 0 posted

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liamitus's FML badges

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liamitus's favorite FMLs

Today, I was watching a movie with my sister, my roommate, and my girlfriend. Half way through the movie, my girlfriend left the room and texted me that she was breaking up with me. She then came back in the room, sat on my bed, and enjoyed the rest of the movie with us. FML

by Small_Fry_Hero / 10/21/2009 at 2:39am / United States (California) / Love

Today, I was arguing with my dad. I called him a geriatric fool. He replied with, "Well at least I know who my biological father is." I have no idea if he's joking. FML

by Waheyyy / 09/07/2009 at 3:19pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML

by Idiots / 09/05/2009 at 4:54pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I wanted to make love with my boyfriend for the first time. I wanted everything to be perfect. The CD kept skipping, the rose petals had ants all over them, and he couldn't get it up. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2009 at 11:21pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

by NoCookForYou / 08/22/2009 at 2:29am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I took a cute girl out to an arcade date, and mercilessly dominated her in every game there, to the point she refused to talk to me afterwards. Gamer Pride: 1 - Getting Laid: 0. FML

by razgriz1 / 08/20/2009 at 1:45am / United States (Washington) / Love

Today, I went to the school I work at, to set up my new classroom. I'm 5'1" and I was carrying a backpack full of fun educational posters. I also have a new boss. When we met for the first time he was yelling at me because "there were no students allowed in here yet." FML

by Anonymous / 08/13/2009 at 9:36pm / United States (Idaho) / Work

Today, my friend posted my picture on Craigslist under the "men seeking men" section. I got 16 replies with 2 hours. He then decided to post another picture of me under "men seeking women" to compare results. The only reply I got was from a man. FML

by Anonymous / 07/13/2009 at 9:09am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to my friend's house for the first time. As I was pulling up, I called him and asked him if I could use his bathroom. He told me to just go in the back and use it, so i did. As i'm sitting on the toilet, someone knocks on the door and asks me who I am. It wasn't my friend's house. FML

by whitewater_al / 07/10/2009 at 5:22pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I noticed a string was following behind our family cat. After close inspection I realized it was a plastic kite string he partially digested. I had to pull the other three feet of plastic kite tail from his rectum. He purred the entire time. FML

by RachelDC / 07/03/2009 at 3:06pm / United States (West Virginia) / Animals

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this swedish girl I met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if i could ejaculate on her face. FML

by Dirtyswede / 06/17/2009 at 10:57am / United Kingdom (Cheshire) / Intimacy

Today, at school, I was trying to pee in the stall, but I couldn't. I repeatedly pushed my bladder. Unfortunately, I didn't realize a number of thing. My stall was open, I made noises from frustration, and I looked like I was jacking off. When I gave up, somebody clapped and yelled, "FINALLY!" FML

by Bes / 06/14/2009 at 11:54am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

by Anonymous / 06/01/2009 at 6:46am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my wife of three years asked me to meet her for lunch at Subway. When I arrived, she was standing in the parking lot. She handed me a footlong sub, said "I got you a turkey sandwich" and followed it up with "And I'm leaving you." FML

by Joey / 05/07/2009 at 6:39pm / United States (California) / Love

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

by Gumfanatic302 / 05/06/2009 at 9:43pm / United States (Nevada) / Kids